5 Simple Reasons Not to Date A Taurus

She catches your eye at the cafe. There’s just something about her, a potentially nuclear radiation of cuteness. You look closer–is that chocolate cake smeared across her chin? Are several thousand squid tentacles squirming from her shoulders? There is no question that she has been exposed to some sort of government experiment, and needs a napkin. And yet, she is proud of her flavor-saver squid bod. Smugly, she sparkles her eyes and you float over, like Pepe le Pew hooked on the perfume of Taurean self-satisfaction.

Romance on Neptune: Fantasy crushes & break ups from hell

Picture yourself on a stereotypical date night. You cue up some Jose Gonzalez, crack a bottle of wine and/or a vape, dial down the lights, spark that incense. Maybe you’ve got a N*flix show on tap and a volume of love poetry in your back pocket. You shower, conceal your most realistic features – theContinue reading “Romance on Neptune: Fantasy crushes & break ups from hell”

9 Fast Reasons Not To Date An Aries

…And 1 That You’ll Do It Anyway 1. Aries Doesn’t Care What You Think Aries lady blasts into the room in a loud dress, with big hair, talking so loud you heard her from halfway up the block. She is either stomping in heels or carrying an overlarge object or mid-announcement of whatever plan she’sContinue reading “9 Fast Reasons Not To Date An Aries”

10 Melodramatic Reasons Not to Date A Pisces: A Bodice-Ripper

Dear Pisces readers, thanks in advance for being sports. In the spirit of Piscean imagination, this post got very silly. If anyone refuses to date you for any of the following reasons, I will personally give them what-for. 1. Pisces is an Addictive Mystery That blur around the edges, it’s the first thing you noticed about him,Continue reading “10 Melodramatic Reasons Not to Date A Pisces: A Bodice-Ripper”

Reasons Not to Date an Aquarius

Does the Aquarius even like you? Your crush has an aloof, cool disinterest. If she’s friendly, it’s to the same degree that she’s friendly to the girl who splashed beer on her shoes. If she’s unfriendly, she’s still willing to talk to you. Her distance is vague and alluring. Is she aloof because she’s nervousContinue reading “Reasons Not to Date an Aquarius”

9 Long Reasons Not To Date A Capricorn

1. Can You Please Define ‘Dating’? When you set your sights on that dapper Cappy, better have a detailed answer, because she’ll want to know the terms and conditions of what she’s getting into. Does dating equal no-strings sex? Dinner and a movie? If so, how frequently? Will dating include ice skating and/or dancing? MeetingContinue reading “9 Long Reasons Not To Date A Capricorn”

10 Overwhelming Reasons Not To Date A Sagittarius

She falls in love so fast and hard it’s freaky. You picked this one out of the tinder line-up because she sounded like fun—and she is. You had sex on the first date because, well, it was fun. Which is not the same as having a drive through wedding the last time you checked. YeahContinue reading “10 Overwhelming Reasons Not To Date A Sagittarius”

11 Complicated Reasons To Either Date Or Not Date A Scorpio

1. Your Scorpio Bae Accepts You Completely… “I killed a man just to see him die,” you tell Scorpio bae. “Yeah, I get that,” she says. “That’s not a song quote,” you clarify. “I actually smothered him with a laundry bag. He was my college roommate? It took like five minutes.” “I have dark impulsesContinue reading “11 Complicated Reasons To Either Date Or Not Date A Scorpio”

10 Reasons Not To Date A Libra

1. They don’t know they don’t actually like you. You’re on the bus to some awkward office team building exercise, which is already the worst place in the universe to be headed. This Libra sits down next to you. He has cute hair, has somehow managed to make the dorky Team Building Day tee lookContinue reading “10 Reasons Not To Date A Libra”

10 Reasons Not To Date A Virgo

  #1 – Your Virgo BF notices EVERYTHING. When I say “everything” what I mean is: he notices everything that’s wrong. Which leads me to… #2 – Your Virgo GF wants to fix you. Her drive for perfection is awesome when she’s tinkering with your car engine or proofreading your cover letter. Sort of awesomeContinue reading “10 Reasons Not To Date A Virgo”

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