Lunar First Aid: Feel to Fight Another Day


This week saw one of the largest protests in U.S. history, a protest that lit up the news with images of a loving, passionate, HUGE political movement. This week also rang in a dark era of oppression and lies. Many of us who are not inclined to fight have become fighters. Many who are not inclined to worry have turned insomniac. Longtime fighters and worriers find ourselves energized and exhausted by this sudden collective action after years on the fringe. We are all teetering between a before and after. It’s hard to walk forward in our lives when the road is fogged, each footstep uncertain. Will this step give out beneath us? Will the next?

If we are to continue forward, we must find ways to rest, reflect and nourish ourselves. Astrology tells us exactly how to do that. The secret is in our moon sign. While our sun sign—”your” sign as determined by birth date—represents our daylight, goal-setting self, our moon shows us who we are inside. Find out your moon sign in less than a minute by clicking here*, then read the description below for rest and recharge advice.

*The moon can be in up to two different signs in the course of a day. If you don’t have your exact birth time, look up 12am and 11:59pm. If you get two moon signs, read both below to see which fits!

Moon in Aries

Basic Need – Action; Independence; Exciting challenges.
Red Flags – Selfishness; taking out anger on others or self; manic activity.
Healthy Habits – Getting regular cardio exercise is key, so run, box, swim, climb—and race against the clock. A pumping heart will chase away bad feelings and restore you to your normal high energy. Once restored, leap into battle with a new creative project that gives expression to your unspoken self. Also, it can be nice to cry while punching—make your pillow feel the hurt while you feel the feels. Once you’ve taken care of (instead of beating on) yourself, you have more patience with others and your exuberant loving energy can come out to play.
Quick Fix – Parkour.

Moon in Taurus

Basic Need –Stability; Slowness; Nurturing via the five senses.
Red Flags – Selfishness; Resisting change; Jealousy.
Healthy Habits – Emotions are always changing. Problem is, you are really, really not a fan of change, especially those happening inside you. Your tendency with emotions is to cling on so they can never ever get away, even when the emotion in question sucks balls. Better that than hurtle full force into an unpredictable feeling that could mean needing new things in your life, like a different husband/wife or a new apartment or space from your family. You just want a little inner stability—is that so wrong? Problem is, when you try to put walls around that inner ocean, the result is depression and a quiet, poisonous anger that seeps into everything. Your challenge, bull-heart, is to feel those feelings gradually while soothing your senses. So draw yourself an aromatherapeutic hot bath, put on your favorite track and let yourself peek into that Pandora’s box. Slowly but surely, the emotions will flow along and leave you feeling comfortable from the inside out.
Quick Fix – One (wo)man dance party.

Moon in Gemini

Basic Need – Communication; People time; Brain food.
Red Flags – Racing mind; Insomnia; Inability to rest.
Healthy Habits – Get curious about your inner self, which so often wants two or three or twenty competing things at once. It’s not easy for you to sit and feel your emotions, but writing them down helps. Sit at a busy café or in a bus station or library and pour your inner monologue onto paper where you can get a good look at what’s going on. When introspecting makes you anxious, talk it out on the therapist’s couch or to a friend who can interrupt and propose some order for your frantic mind. Take a break from your inner life entirely by spending nice social time chatting with the café barista. Ride the bus around town and eavesdrop, or just take a new route to work—and while you’re at it, turn off your phone! All these will help focus your racing mind.
Quick Fix – Write in your journal.

Moon in Cancer

Basic Need – Nurturing; Coziness; Security; Family.
Red Flags – Manipulation; Endless emotional rollercoaster; Over-nurturing.
Healthy Habits – While you are a pro at feeling your emotions, it can be a challenge to stop feeling them–or at least get out from under them. You learned a long time ago that others stay close when you cry and come guiltily slinking back when you turn away. Your tendency to lead this push-pull dance of intimacy means that you always have someone to mother (or to play baby to) when you’re feeling your most vulnerable. Problem is, that also prevents you from having the security you really need. When a mood drops over you, parent yourself by setting a time limit for sweet self-indulgence. Self-indulge healthily by picking out a recipe you’ve always felt too lazy to do and going it through it step by step, snacking and sniffing as you concoct your yummy magic. Then invite over you BFF to chow down. This combination of indulgence and discipline is also known as parenting—exactly what your tender inner child is asking for.
Quick Fix – Paint a picture.

Moon in Leo

Basic Need – Attention from those closest; Love & romance; Loyalty; To express feelings creatively.
Red Flags – Melodrama; Making demands; Romantic martyrdom.
Healthy Habits – The best thing you Leo moons can do for yourself is be honest about your need for attention. Your flair for turning your hurts and joys, your longings and epiphanies into the soap opera of the century can be ridiculously charming–and also allows you to get the admiring sympathy that soothes any wound. Telling your closest loves that this is what you need gives them a chance to say whether they are ready to play audience. While it might burn if your best friend begs off hearing about last night’s date disaster, by giving her a chance to say no, you’re building the trust that ensures she’ll stick around for the long haul. Luckily, you can always find ways to entertain yourself–and they really do help you feel better. Cheering up your friends or partner is another surefire way to pull yourself out of a funk. Because the real reason you like to perform your feelings is that in your heart of hearts, you just feel better when the people around you are happy.
Quick Fix – Costume change.

Moon in Virgo

Basic Need – To fix, contain or organize emotions; To help loved ones in tangible ways; Inner growth.
Red Flags – Criticizing everyone and yourself; Perfectionism; Obsessiveness; Anxiety.
Healthy Habits – The sign of Virgo loves to label, sort, analyze and repair–which can be an awkward fit for the moon’s mooshy, changeable emotions. When young, you Virgo moons tend to experience anxiety when you or others get stirred up and feel guilt, criticism or both as a result. Your task is to let feelings work their way through without analyzing them to death. To calm yourself, cook healthy food, walk a dog, pet a cat, label every jar in the house, debug your boyfriend’s computer, do a jigsaw puzzle, oil some bike gears, whittle a spoon, get out in the garden, hike, volunteer–anything that uses up your nervous energy! Likewise, when the people you love get emo, ask them how you can help. Chances are, they only want you to listen and hold their hand. Easy! Turns out that this whole feeling thing might not be so much work after all.
Quick Fix – Clean house.

Moon in Libra

Basic Need – Inner peace; Beauty; Companionship.
Red Flags – Compromising to make someone else happy; Avoiding difficult emotions; Being fake.
Healthy Habits – You Libra moons know how to relax, to listen and take pleasure in your downtime. These are a few of the many reasons your loved ones like to be around you. Even so, you can fall into the habit of bending over backwards to make your family members and closest friends happy, to the point of losing all track of what you need. Because your kindness is automatic, you will never be short of company for movies, dinner, cuddling and conversation, which means you can let some of those people be unhappy with you from time to time. Chances are good they’ll come back around. In the meantime, you’ll be thoroughly enjoying QT with the other people you love.
Quick Fix – Call the bestie 911 unit.

Moon in Scorpio

Basic Need – Privacy; Self-understanding; Intimacy.
Red Flags –  Possessiveness; Distrust; Compulsive self-harm.
Healthy Habits – You are all or nothing when it comes to R&R. You binge on sex, sugar, sadness and introspection one month and run your interior life like a bootcamp the next. You need to lose emotional control from time to time but when you inevitably get hurt, you punish yourself by shutting off the intimacy that your heart so craves. In fact, your needs and feelings must go through fiery death cycles in order to be reborn, just as Persephone’s journey to the underworld each year gives us the fertility and abundance of spring. Embrace your journey as a psychologist might, trying to understand your hurts, fears, compulsions, cravings and pleasures as you feel them. This will connect you to your inner power source even as you surrender to the transformative force of emotion.
Quick Fix – Intense sex with a lover you trust.

Moon in Sagittarius

Basic Need – To find meaning; People time; Inner faith; Emotional honesty.
Red Flags – Dumb risk-taking; Partying to avoid sadness; The worst despair that ever despaired.
Healthy Habits – At your best, you are an exuberant, joyful, hopeful force and the world is your family. At worst, you’re a speeding sex-booze-caffeine-fueled train headed off the rails. What that train is running away from is sadness–and worse, the bleak uncertainty that lies beneath. Even the people closest to you may not know you can flip from Captain Fun to a one-person pit of hellish despair. The trick is, you nourish yourself on pure faith in your fellow humans and in life. If your faith fails, you do too, badly. That despair hurts but rarely lasts long. So do yourself a favor and take the sadness challenge. Grab a stack of philosophy or spirituality books/inspirational youtube videos, set out for an inspiring landscape, go rock-climbing or explore a new neighborhood with friends who love the real you. You’ll be back to your normal exuberant self in no time.
Quick Fix – Go on an adventure with your most fun people.

Moon in Capricorn

Basic Need – Self-development; Meaningful goals; Showing up for loved ones.
Red Flags – Harshness; Survival mentality; Feeling dead inside.
Healthy Habits – Naturally responsible, you didn’t get to be much of a kid. Now you instinctively do the dirty work at home–you enforce rules, pay bills, balance the budget–and worry. What you’re not as good at is nurturing yourself. You respond to your emotions and needs with the cruelty of a fairy tale stepmother. The spillover effect is that you can be hard on your loved ones without meaning to be. Unless you decide to take the risk of sharing your feelings and (gasp!) asking for help carrying your self-imposed burdens, the people who love you will have no idea how sensitive you are deep down. The good news is that Cap moons can heal even the most rugged inner landscape. Your self-care plan means committing to: feel your feelings, admit what you don’t know, relax, reassure instead of scolding, and let others help you. When all that is too much, it’s okay to work on a project–just make sure to stay in your body as you do. Slowly but surely, you’ll find yourself naturally giving and receiving the warmth and love you missed out on as a kid. You might even become an expert at it.
Quick Fix – Set and work towards a CONCRETE goal.

Moon in Aquarius

Basic Need – To understand self; Time with likeminded weirdoes; Independence.
Red Flags – Alienation; Treating loved ones like human research subjects; Erratic behavior.
Healthy Habits – You’re different than other people and you know it. Secretly you take comfort in being superior to others, like how a rational cyborg is superior to illogical human beings. Problems arise from the fact that you aren’t actually a cyborg, just a human who feels like one, and your human meat suit comes equipped with a set of physiological responses called anger, sadness, joy, comfort, ecstasy, heartbreak, jealousy, self-pity etc. Depression prevention means learning to identify these feelings as they arise in your body. It takes some trial and error, but you are an emotional scientist, reaching brilliant conclusions about yourself that shed light on the human animal in general. But what’ll make you feel best is spending time with friends and being part of a group—especially one that connects around science, technology, woo-woo magic and/or political change
Quick Fix – Attend a group meeting for a cause you believe in.

Moon in Pisces

Basic Need – Sacred beauty; Compassion; Connection; Immersion in feelings.
Red Flags – Martyrdom; Hurting others intentionally; Addiction & illness.
Healthy Habits – You feel without boundaries and can easily be swamped by others’ moods. The truth is, your longing for connection leads you into any and all deep waters, to come to the rescue or to be rescued (it can be unclear which is which). Balance isn’t your forte–you’re too tidal for that–but you can possess tremendous centeredness. The key is to let yourself dissolve into that spiritual flow that is always running through you, via alone time, music, poetry, meditation and visualization. When you aren’t dependent on anyone else for connection, you become a vessel for healing love and can move through life’s inevitable hurts knowing that your spirit is already home.
Quick Fix – Mindfulness meditation.

Seagoat Astrology offers in-depth natal chart and transit readings via Skype and phone. Down-to-earth advice for career, money, art, love, friendship, sexuality, lgbtq issues and getting through hard times–including the Trump era. Book your reading here!

9 Long Reasons Not To Date A Capricorn


1. Can You Please Define ‘Dating’?
When you set your sights on that dapper Cappy, better have a detailed answer, because she’ll want to know the terms and conditions of what she’s getting into. Does dating equal no-strings sex? Dinner and a movie? If so, how frequently? Will dating include ice skating and/or dancing? Meeting your parents? Meeting her parents? Will activities be involved that require lessons and/or prior experience? What is the likelihood of injury while dating? After what length of dating will it be acceptable to order in wonton soup instead? Will you respect the appropriate waiting period before leaving your toothbrush/shampoo/tampons in the bathroom? How convincing do you expect her fondness for your friends to be? Are you open to or do you have the intention of a serious relationship? If so, please define ‘serious.’ And on, and on, and on…

2. He Holds You At Arm’s Length For Months…
You’re determined. That’s good. Your Capricorn crush will expect you to take the relationship seriously—assuming you can prove yourself enough to for there to even be a relationship. Get good and comfortable two seats over at the espresso counter, having his best friends come along on what you thought was a cozy you plus him plus dogs-only hike and having your post-work bar trivia night cut off the second the buzzer goes. You can get down for the retro thrill of bowling, mini-golf and the pinball museum, and you genuinely love mountain biking and art galleries, but midafternoon public hang-outs are not exactly the setting of your dream romance. After months of pursuit, this slyly maddening cutie has only delivered a few addictive kisses (pressed against the bricks of the alleyway, in the rain underneath your awning)—the next time acting like it never even happened.

3. Then Plans the Marriage and 2.1 Babies in a Night
Pursuit pays off with this one. Boy howdy, does it. That fine workhorse applies herself as much to your body as to the success of her catering company. The hunger you’ve built up chasing her for months helps, but in three or four sex dates (each one a tidily scheduled week apart), she’s become a scholar of your central nervous system, a spelunker of your sexy caverns, a tireless rider of your, uh, pony? The pleasant, witty gentlewoman with whom you rode the ferris wheel and watched every Amy Adams movie ever made in the endless lead-up to hitting the hay, the same one who thinks a business card is a romantic gift, turns out to have a mouth like a sailor and screams loud enough to make for awkward explanations to the neighbors. Which is why it takes you by surprise when you wake up to her stroking your hair and delivering a verbal prospectus on where she’d like to see this relationship going over the next twenty years. Non-monogamy is fine in the short-term, she says, but probably not sustainable, though she’d like to hear your views on the subject. Also, do you have a 401K yet? When were you planning to get one? She hopes you like small dogs because she’s always wanted a chiweenie.

4. He Is ALWAYS Right
The knowing smirk on his lips tells you so. You are such a moron for thinking you know what to wear to your own job interview. You do not know, you silly, silly child. How do you make it through a day without setting fire to your hair or tying your shoelaces together? your sagelike Capricorn lover wonders. In his patient humor, Mr. Cappy will let you make your own mistakes, and will give his solid, wise, practical, time-tested, hard-earned, humble advice when you are good and ready to listen.

5. When She’s Wrong, You Don’t Even Get To Enjoy It
On rare occasion, Lady Cap admits error.
Lady Cap: “Do you remember on June 18th of last year when I told you that you should wear the yellow-striped shirt with the brown pants to your job interview?”
You, the idiot who decided to fall in love with a cross between a brick wall and quicksand: “Uh, nope.”
Lady Cap: “Well, on the Preparedness Weekly podcast, they said yellow in color psychology represents weakness and brings out a sleepy anger in predators. A Wall Street Journal study showed that job applicants in yellow shirts were half as likely to get the job.”
You: “I can’t even remember what I wore to that interview. Why are we talking about this?”
Lady C: “I’m sorry I gave you bad advice.”
You: “But I got the job.”
Lady C: “It was inappropriate of me to offer advice that I could not back up with evidence.”
You (slowly backing out of the room): “No big deal!”
Lady C (voice fading as you flee from the apartment): “To motivate myself to behave more responsibly in the future when it comes to your professional goals, I’ve decided to go on a low-carb diet and wear wet socks inside my boots and recite a list of my stupidities and failures in the mirror every morning…

6. Spontaneity Is The Enemy
It’s okay with you that he schedules sex. It’s okay that he puts it on the calendar in the kitchen where your friends could easily see it. It’s even fine that he sets three notifications on his phone letting him know that it will soon be time for sex, is about to be time for sex and IS time for sex. What gets to you is the explanation. He likes sex, he says, with you, a lot—it’s just that it happens to be very time-consuming, and the weekends are the only time he has to meet the medium-sized goals for his leather satchel business and without meeting the medium-sized goals, it is impossible to meet large-sized goals, and he will never have independence from his boss and the two of you will never own a house and if one of you gets sick you will have to move in with his sister who works for Google. He says this as the third of three notifications is beeping at him, and he is already beginning to unbutton his Levis. Is this your idea of foreplay? you ask him. No, this is, he says, and reminds you for the next exactly thirty minutes why you can’t get yourself to leave him.

7. She’s As Moody As A Billy Goat…
She drives herself so hard, you can practically hear the whiplash when she slows down. And slow she does. You’ve come home many nights to find her hiding under the blankets, staring at the Netflix menu with a glazed look that tells you she stopped browsing hours ago. Other days, she winds herself into a long-lasting anger listening to the news. You hear for weeks about the failure of ethics and pragmatism that led to the housing crash, or the outrageous cabinet appointments of the new president, and all you want to do is offer your girl a neck brace and tell her it’s okay to cry.

8. …But He Won’t Let You In
Good luck getting him to cry, though. Cappy boy keeps his feelings inside a lidded jar, inside a duct-taped box, in a bomb-proof safe at the dark, unexplored bottom of two or three consecutive oceans. The effect is that, when sad or angry, he vibrates. You know you’re in trouble when he stares at you with chilly unsurprise as if he can see through your skull to your individual brain cells at work and has found them to be slovenly and ill-equipped for their jobs.

9. She’s An Abuser…
…and her victim is herself. Loving this girl means watching her berate herself, kick herself when she’s down and punish herself for failing to meet impossible standards. It’s like having box seats for a war in which one side drops nukes and the other side defends itself with dollar-store umbrellas. The only way she’ll win is by triggering a nuclear winter that freezes the human being out of herself once and for all. It’s not pretty.

10. When He Trusts You It’s Like You’re Standing On Mt. Frickin’ Everest
When and IF Mr. Caps opens up to you—when he admits his many, many, many, many fears and learns to say he’s sad instead of icing you out—you’ll feel like the goat stamping its triumphant hooves at the top of the mountain. Better yet, you’ll find that inside your rocky outcropping of a lover is the tenderest, most deep-feeling, most committed, to-the-bones honest partner you could have. The tedious tests and weird contractual negotiations of dating this Capricorn turn out to have been the building blocks of a lasting, rooted love in which both of you can grow. The challenges of a long-term relationship inspire him and bring him closer to you. He also seems to be aging backwards, becoming more relaxed, playful, spontaneous and sexy with each passing year. His advice, when you ask for it, is (usually) rock-solid—and his respect for you increases gradually until one day you find he’s seeking your advice almost as much as you seek his. You could even say that he admires you. (Also, he was right about the 401K.

Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading! P.s. This is a skype or phone reading for new clients only.

Your Astrological Trump Survival Guide


Read for your sun sign. You can also explore your secret weapons by reading the description of your north node sign (in which case, ignore the Achilles heel). Relevant under all conditions of tyranny.

(If you need a little extra help during these times, I’m offering 20 minute Trump emergency planning readings for $10 (just enough to cover costs). Whatever I can offer from astrology to help you figure out how to stay safe and resist, I’ll give you. Contact me here to schedule.)


Nickname – The Warrior
Superpower – Bullet-like reflexes. Confidence-spreader. Springs into action without hesitation.
Why we need you right now – As soon as the results came in, many of you were already beginning to strategize for the fight to come. While the rest of us mill around shell-shocked, you ready yourself, aim and fire. (If this is not you, Aries, it needs to become you or you’ll lose your mind.)
How to get us moving – Help us catch up with you by sharing your confidence. Remind us that we can handle it–and then tell us how to start. You’re the leader we need.
Achilles Heel – Starting a new battle when you’re still fighting the old one. Going too fast for your followers to keep up. Proceeding without understanding the opposing perspective.


Nickname – The Root System
Superpower – You cling like a barnacle and barrel forth like a bull. Ability to weather any storm by hanging onto what is good.
Why we need you right now – No matter the political drama of the day, you know that what’s important is always close by if we just slow down to notice: nature, good food, our bodies, loyal friends and fam, and the values that are as much a part of us as breathing. You help us find the power that comes from the root system up.
How to fortify us – Host a weekly brunch, invite your buddies out dancing or get people together to take on a single important project that will reinforce our bonds.
Achilles Heel – Refusing to adapt to a new situation even when there’s no choice. Being mean because you’re scared. Obsessing over what you could lose instead of strategizing for how to increase what you have.


Nickname – The Busy Bee
Superpower – In sixteen places at once. Unquenchable curiosity. Turns half-empty glasses into half-full ones.
Why we need you right now – At a time when half the country is trying to figure out what the heck just happened, you’re already exploring every point-of-view, all the whats, whys, whos and hows. On an essential level, you love that people think differently from each other (even if sometimes that thinking is maddeningly illogical)–that’s what makes us so interesting. Now, you’re using that mental ambidexterity to find the openings for positive change.
How to wake us up – Ask us! Use your facebook, twitter, phone and lunch hour as informal conference spaces–for asking good questions, clarifying our emotion-soaked brains and spreading smart ideas.
Achilles Heel – Information overload. Trying to do EVERYTHING instead of prioritizing the things that matter. Forgetting to listen.


Nickname – Mr. Feels/Big Momma
Superpower – Emotion ninja. Empathy wizard. Turns big feelings into powerful creations. Gives great hugs.
Why we need you right now – On the quietest day, you can be swept away by rage and sadness. You understand what feelings are, how they work–and that their force can fuel art and close relationships. The rest of us don’t get this at all and we’re freaking out. Scared as you might be right now, you’re the sturdiest ship in this Trumpian feeling-storm. You know that before action comes just being and seeing, and that slowing down prevents pointless tantrums.
How to hold us – By reaching out to friends and fam and giving us space to cry and shout, you make it okay to be human. Because you say you’re scared, we can say it–and know it–too. All of your feeding, listening, cuddling and comforting helps us find the solid ground we need for action.
Achilles Heel – Overindulgence. Clinging. Delaying the creative action stage too long.


Nickname – Prince/ss Dynamite
Superpower – Make even fighting fun. Confident leader who loves your followers. Creative responses to impossible situations. Entertainer.
Why we need you right now – You can turn a double serving of crap on toast into art supplies. Getting mad makes you more creative and pretty soon, you’ve got a plan. Whether starting a YouTube series of Trump impressions, throwing the Black Lives Matter fundraising party to end all fundraising parties or tweetstorming pictures of your cat looking blase about it all, the world can’t keep you down for long.
How to make us happy again –  Use your sense of humor and play to dial down the serious factor enough that we can face what’s happening. Inspire our confidence with compliments and messages of hope. Use your love and belief in people’s goodness to show us how to unite instead of divide.
Achilles heel – Pointless drama. Avoiding or denying hard truths when they make you question your faith in people.


Nickname – The Problem Solver
Superpower – Work ethic til the sun comes up. Solution-finder. Broken thing-fixer. Genius analyst. Helper extraordinaire.
Why we need you right now – The more broken something is, the more diligent you are in finding a way to fix it. You regard our broken country in terms of its individual damaged, rusty, bent parts, asking what each one should and can do and how to make it do it better. Your response to discouragement and defeat is to roll up your sleeves, find a job and pitch in. With you behind the scenes, there’s real possibility of recovery and improvement.
How to help us fix this – De-stress your friends by taking them to the gym or by making healthy food deliveries. Be the brains of the operation, showing social orgs what isn’t working and explaining how to improve.
Achilles heel – Being motivated by guilt instead of love. Moral high ground. Worrying yourself sick.


Nickname – The Advocate
Superpower – Sees both sides. Kindness. Social skills like a motherfucker. Justice-maker.
Why we need you right now – Depressed as you get when bullies win, you are the one who can reach across the divide and restore balance. In this election, many people were motivated by fear, anger and a desire for revenge. That’s pretty tough for a Libra to grok, because what motivates you is peace, fairness and the beautiful things in life, like art and vodka tonics. Thing is, you understand people better than it might feel like you do right now. You know that we all want to those things, that we all want the pleasures of social harmony. You are the one who can point us back towards these shared values and balance the hate with love, the fearful action with sweet clarity.
How to make America fair (again?) – Advocate for the most vulnerable.. Foster conversations that get people listening and collaborating. Volunteer for arts & communication roles in justice-oriented and feminist orgs.
Achilles Heel – Avoiding taking a side. Hiding out from the ugliness instead of trying to turn it back to beauty.


Nickname – The Power Player
Superpower – Sees through bullshit. Understands darkness & can transform it. Has nine lives.
Why we need you right now – You alone, Scorpio, understand why people want to follow Trump. You get fear and can look hate coolly in the face. You know how hungry people are to be close to power, how the desire to be safe lives cozily alongside the desire to hurt and punish. You also know that ‘IT’ can always happen here. Your psychological insight might not bode well for your sleep habits in 2017, but it’s absolutely essential for defeating tyranny.
How to transform us – Normally, we’d be afraid to hear what you Scorpios know, but in times of crisis, we need your x-ray vision. Walk us down into our own dark hearts and into the passageways of history, showing us how to be unafraid of our shadow selves. Help us transform into the people who can face this moment without hiding in self-soothing optimisms.
Achilles heel – Self-destruction. Monster guilt. Punishing others. Keeping what you know and feel to yourself.


Nickname – The Inspirationist
Superpower – Can pull anyone out of a funk. Restores faith in humanity. Truth-teller.
Why we need you right now – Even if the election has you despairing, you know how to bounce back. Your buoyant love for human beings will pull you back up. When it does, you’ll pull the rest of us up with you. If it angers you to see a megalomaniac unite people behind lies and fear, use your teacher-preacher voice to unite us behind truth and hope.
How to inspire us – Spend time with people from other cultures and backgrounds to restore your faith in our common truths, then share what you’ve learned. Give us something positive to unite for so we aren’t stuck on the defensive.
Achilles heel – Know-it-all-ness. Moral superiority. Mixing up principles with people.


Nickname – The Subtle Architect
Superpower – Sees reality for what it is. 10 steps ahead. Structural magician. Survivor.
Why we need you right now – While everyone is running around like half-murdered chickens, you use your anxiety to fuel planning and strategy. Slow burn is the name of your game. You might not be leaping into action yet, but you are figuring out what will be needed after the election shock fades and the deeper dismantling of the government begins. You might not look like much right now, but in a year or two when others’ energy is waning, you’ll be keeping us going, slow and steady, toward our goal of better, healthier, more agile movements–and government.
How to prepare us for the worst – Look into the future to see what the likely dangers are for yourself, community, country and world. Figure out who and how you can help and what structures, collaborations and resources you’ll need to do it. Then start drafting plans.
Achilles heel – Freezing up in panic. Pushing yourself too hard. Trying to hold it together when you need to cry.


Nickname – The Rebel (Cause Optional)
Superpower – Unshockable. Future-seer. Glue of groups. Makes sense of the senseless.
Why we need you right now – You alone keep your footing in an earthquake–maybe because you’re already floating a few inches off the ground. That slightly above it all perspective helped you see this one coming or at least allows you to understand it in retrospect. Your rational outlook, ease with groups and humanitarianism are the necessary ingredients to fuel progressive movements that can confront this brave new world.
How to move us forward – What is your highest ideal–and how is it at risk during the Age of Trump? Whether it’s freedom of speech, net neutrality or trans rights, find or form a group that is ready to resist–and to use the chaos of change to fuel dramatic progress that wasn’t possible before the election.
Achilles heel – Identifying with what you’re against instead of what you’re for. Failure to commit.


Nickname – Basically Jesus
Superpower – Compassion. Selflessness. Mystic visionary. One with everything.
Why we need you right now – Sometimes the world is too mean. You might want to bury yourself in books, Netflix and booze, dream yourself into a better place until 2020. But all you need to do to shake off your funk is focus on those more vulnerable than you. Good thing, because we hella need your heart and soul in this game, reminding us that government is as temporary and shallow as our mortality. What matters–spirit, love, art, music, the wholeness of the universe–cannot be bruised or broken. This is the vision you hold, Pisces. Bring it to us.
How to save us – Who does your heart hurt for? That’s who you need to go to. Find a calling in this dark time and give yourself over to it completely–within healthy reason, of course. (Taking us along to your meditation class wouldn’t hurt either.)
Achilles heel – Addiction & escapism. Equating suffering with love. Abandoning your own boundaries.

Seagoat Astrology offers in-depth natal chart and transit readings via Skype and phone. Down-to-earth advice for career, money, art, love, friendship, sexuality, lgbtq issues and getting through hard times–including the Trump era. Book your reading here!

10 Overwhelming Reasons Not To Date A Sagittarius


  1. She falls in love so fast and hard it’s freaky.

You picked this one out of the tinder line-up because she sounded like fun—and she is. You had sex on the first date because, well, it was fun. Which is not the same as having a drive through wedding the last time you checked. Yeah but by the time you get home from boning, this one’s written a mega-scrolldown-demanding paean to your incredible mind and how intellectual your dirty talk is, saying doesn’t it all make you think about astrophysics, the two of you particles colliding into a new universe and what are you doing tomorrow?

  1. She convinces you it’s a good idea to fall in love so fast/hard it’s freaky.

You’re not made of stone. The text paean was addended with e-tickets to a David Sedaris reading and a picture of a sex toy she bought especially for you.

  1. A person has to sleep sometime…

But try explaining that to Sag’ boy when he calls you up at 2AM the night after an all-day date. Have you ever ended a four-hour hike over a cliff to watch the sunrise? You haven’t—and there are three good reasons for that: R, E, and M. Also, you just invested in this really plump pillow. Good luck explaining that to Sag-y McAdventurePants though, because…

  1. Once he gets going on an idea, this boy can talk.

It’s actually less about quantity than conviction. He listens to what you have to say, but he believes in the importance of scrabbling up rocky trails in the pitch-black dark with such fervor and optimism that by 2:09AM you’re convinced and by 2:11, you’re lacing hiking boots up in the passenger seat of his truck.

  1. Then she goes MIA for no discernible reason.

A week in, you’re on the wild love train. Dating girlfriend is the adult, metaphorical version of weekends spent with your divorced dad, an exhausting-thrilling journey from metaphorical six flags to the metaphorical water park to a metaphorical ice cream parlor—with that same epic-endless sense of freedom and none of the divorced dad pathos. Each time you pick up your phone, there’s yet another scrolldown note from Sag’ girl. Girl always manages to make you feel your love is an extraordinary door opening you both into greater mutual consciousness, making you more human, larger, in touch, together, with the whole wide world. Which is what you’re expecting when you get home from the latest bone-a-thon. Nope. No text. No missed call. No ping. Ok, cool. You’re fine. You are a cool customer. You can give people their space. 6 hours later, still nothing. Tomorrow, nothing. You stare at the walls of your crappy apartment. Why don’t you own any really intellectual books? You should have gone back to school. What are you even doing with yourself? You think about calling the police. Not because you believe girlfriend’s in danger, but because she has made your life without her feel so quiet and pedestrian, it has to be a crime.

  1. It’s impossible to stay mad at her.

By day three, you have mentally prepared a list of her transgressions. Your friends cheer you on. “Take that player down!” they cry. “Show her who she’s messing with!” You plan to make her feel really, really guilty. Like, ran-over-a-puppy guilty. Because your heart is a puppy. A cute little ball of orange love-fluff, mashed into puppy soup by her honkin huge tractor trailer tires. The bastarda. (You don’t care if bastarda’s not a word.)

She texts, “I’m coming over.”

Yes, you think, That’s right. Walk into my sticky guilt-trap. You meditate on the pitiful texture of puppy soup.

She run in without knocking, her cheeks warm, her eyes glittering with stories. “I had the most amazing week,” she says. “I thought about you the whole time…!” and proceeds to tell you about an unexpected opportunity involving a helicopter, an elephant and an impromptu lecture invite at the white house. The story is funny and wise, most of all because she punctuates it by saying which things reminded her of something you said, which places she wants to bring you next time. Your dog soup has reassembled itself into a happy, panting golden retriever and the best you can manage is a meager, “but next time IM me, okay?”

  1. He couldn’t find the present tense if he was trapped in a one dimensional universe. Get it? because time is spatial and so if there’s no space…nevermind. The point is:

After a long time with Mr. Sag’, you notice that in his day-to-day life, he’s often not having fun at all. His boss is a jerk, he earns half of what he should, his coworkers in the marketing department don’t do their work, his best friend is always pissed at him and he’s got this nagging cough that wakes him up during the night. He fantasizes about earning his master’s degree. When he’s had an especially hard day, instead of dwelling on it, he’ll tell you about the research facilities at his dream university, the specific pipettes, the variety of lifeforms in the lab, the internship opportunities, the famous bioethicist who teaches there. The two of you sock away your cash and Mister exhausts himself taking evening classes at the local community college. Finally, you pack up the apartment and make the long cross-country drive to where your sweetie can at last be happy—which, based on his joy scanning the school catalogue, seems like certain fate. Time passes and you notice something. Mr. Sag’s department chair is a jerk, he has half the funding he should, his students don’t do their homework, you two are always fighting and the cough has gotten worse. Instead of dwelling on your unhappy life together, Mr. Sag will say, “Have you seen this PhD program in Scotland? Look at those gorgeous sheep!” Or he’ll reminisce, “Do you remember that Thai restaurant back in Cali and how we’d eat takeout walking along the beach? I used to meet the most interesting people in marketing. I’ve been thinking, I really should have given my boss a break, he was a good guy at heart.”

  1. He thinks working out your problems is boring (if he can even recognize them as problems).

By the time you move to Scotland, your patience is shot. You remember the final hours of divorced dad weekends: dragging your feet through the park while he played with “your” fancy remote-controlled plane and you secretly wished to be back in school already, doing math worksheets and passing cootie-catchers to your friends. You are starting to scowl at the whole idea of fun. What is “fun” after all? Who’s to say washing dishes isn’t fun? Or sitting on the sofa? You, for one, are a big fan of sitting on the sofa. Still, you love Mr. Sag’—he’s a kind, generous person, even if he has dragged you halfway around the world only to be similarly miserable at a different longitude. You want to work it out.

“We need to see someone,” you say. “We need help.”

“If that would make you happy,” he says, smiling benignly.

You want to throw something at him. Instead, you make the fricking appointment.

  1. Sagittarius Break-up, Version A: She falls in love with someone else so fast/hard it’s freaky.

The therapy gets Sag’ girl to listen to the stuff that’s been bothering you, but her tendency to gloss over the details with a veneer of optimism makes it feel like she’s not hearing. Still, you believe that relationships require hard work and that being able to get through difficulties together will make you stronger as a couple. She believes this too, she says. You keep working in therapy and it’s hard but you’re beginning to articulate your needs better. You feel stronger than you have in a long time. You feel yourself becoming a better partner. For the first time, you’re serious and slow with each other. It feels good in a weird way, like being adults. That night, she confesses that she met this other person and the connection is really amazing. Very passionate. They haven’t slept together yet, because she wanted to be ethical with you. She knows it will be hard, but you’ve been making each other so miserable lately, it just makes sense to let each other go. (For if you’ll stay friends, see #6.)

  1. Sagittarius Break-up, Version B: He Gives You So Much Space, You Forget You’re In A Relationship

When he learns you’re unhappy, Sagittarius boy encourages you to develop yourself, find your own path. He helps you pick your dream PhD program—this one in Alaska. What are three years apart in a lifetime together? He gets you excited about this new kind of relationship, so different from your parents’. You can both be whole, full free people. Love is what binds you, not rules. “Go, grow, fly, dance little bird,” he cries, leaping up and down, arms flapping on the Scottish tarmac as your plane alights.

He’s right. You love Alaska. The brisk white winters with their sliver of daylight. The lines of clean pipettes in your chemistry lab. The solitude. The polar men with their barrel chests and bellies and whispers, who taste like sea. It’s less a break-up than the slow drifting apart of two ice floes, or at least that’s how you explain it to the mountain man who keeps you warm in the arctic night and always comes home to you. Sag boy sends you long heartbroken texts. “What happened?” he laments. “We were so free together.”

  1. Magic Rewind! No Breakup, Version C: She Drives You Nuts Sometimes, But You’d Never Give Her Up.

Despite her tendency towards over-confidence and the fact that her shirt buttons never seem to line up, this girl is inspiration incarnate. No matter how many people cut you off in traffic or how fast the polar ice caps are melting, she seems to know the hidden reason behind the madness, the secret link between each human being that makes your fellow drivers’ incompetence forgivable. She’s gotten better about letting you know in advance of a disappearing act, and you actually enjoy the time spent apart—the sex is hotter later and so is the connection. It’s like you get to fall for each other over and over again in the same lifetime. You wouldn’t trade your Sagittarian boo for anything.

Sagittarians, the zodiac’s truth-seekers, make up for their youthful risk-taking by maturing into wise, warm, adventurers of the mind. If they don’t find you too dull (sorry Capricorns, I’m looking at you) or too shallow (ahem, Gemini) and you can endure their appalling manners (Libra, be honest with yourself), a Sagittarius sweetie will make your long-term relationship feel like the exciting journey that never ends.

Seeking further discouragement for your dating life? Find the dirt on Virgos, the rude truth about Scorps and peek in Libra’s closet here.

Or if you’re already in love, visit the Seagoat Gift Shop, where you can order a one-of-a-kind chart reading for your sweetly undateable special person starting at $15 bucks.

Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading! P.s. This is a skype or phone reading for new clients only.



11 Complicated Reasons To Either Date Or Not Date A Scorpio

Dont Date A Scorpio1. Your Scorpio Bae Accepts You Completely…

“I killed a man just to see him die,” you tell Scorpio bae.

“Yeah, I get that,” she says.

“That’s not a song quote,” you clarify. “I actually smothered him with a laundry bag. He was my college roommate? It took like five minutes.”

“I have dark impulses too,” says bae. “It’s part of being human.”

2. …But She’s Keeping A File On Your Ass.

After you cancel on a date for the second time—with her already in her insane, 3-hour studio-quality makeup—Scorpio frowns at you over Skype. Almost casually, she tosses out, “My mother keeps saying you’re too unstable for me to date. All that murdering you do. She says you should be institutionalized”, then shrugs like, no biggie.

“’All that murdering’? It was one guy!” you protest, furious at her betrayal.

But Scorpio laughs, seeming confused by your reaction. “It’s really not an issue, okay? I’m sure some of my friends want to go out tonight. You take some mental health time, sweetie.”

3. Your Scorpio Lover Supports You Like No One Ever Has…

He uses his natural psychological insight to help you see your mother’s manipulations and the wounds your father’s absence left. He sees the fragile, broken-winged sparrow you have been and the thunderwinged PHOENIX RISING FROM ASHY ASHES TO RULE THE WORLD you could be. You aren’t a crier—but with him you weep, feeling the years of damaged trust flake away like dry skin loosened by a sympathetic exfoliating sponge. His eyes full of love and light shine way down into your abandoned well of a soul and so long as he’s looking, you feel the phoenix, the world ruling, how it’s true just like they told you back in the 80s, that you really are special and unique and can do anything you set your mind to.

4. …Until You’re Totally Helpless Without Him.

Six months into dating Mr.-Cry-On-My-Shoulder, you’re ruling the world like a phoenix (because they do that), but find yourself running to him every time something hurts. You form an opinion about your new negotiating partner, Vladimir Putin, but immediately doubt yourself, wondering what penetrating psychological nuances Scorpio boy would notice and if ol’ Putin is taking you for a ride. Texting Scorpster seventeen times an hour with clips of your international video conference (caption: “what u thik? Trust?”) only irritates him though. He was hoping with you up to your neck in U.N. talks, he could get some privacy for once. For the rest of the day, you can barely listen to Putin because you’re counting down the hours until you can confide your lack of self-confidence to Scorpio lover.

5. She Will Go Deeper/Further/Harder/Faster/More Than Anyone You’ve Ever Loved…

Having sex until every surface of your body is chafed, talking until you’re both hoarse, eating so many deep-fried cupcakes you could barf, dancing until your legs are like two rubbery strangers wobbling around underneath the rest of your body…this girl knows how to live, and being with her, you are, for the first time, fully awake.

6…But If You Can’t Keep Up, She’ll Find Someone Else.

You’re both getting older and frankly you’re tired. You would rather watch Netflix and sit together sighing than engage in the soul-baring conversations of your early days. How much baring does a soul need after all? Your soul feels over-bared, worn out, like an undershirt that sat in bleach too long. Likewise, you mention, cutting down the sodium, grease and sugar seems wise.

Scorpio honey seems to agree. “Mm,” she says, engrossed in her computer screen, where she’s doing important research for her next novel.


What she’s actually doing: engaging in a torrid love affair with one of her students via Facebook message, soon to advance to a motel room cliché. So long as she keeps getting to soak up the thrilling torture guilt and shame—and you stay flexible about your definition of “honesty” and “monogamy”—you two could spend the rest of your lives together, so long as you have a flexible definition of “together”.

7. Your Scorpio Boo Has Mastered Self-Control…

After the screaming, barb-laden fights, friend interventions and couples counseling, Boo quits smoking, quits drinking, gives away his cocaine and meth, signs up for Sex Addicts Anonymous, goes paleo, joins a gym and renews his marital vows. In a single day.

8…But Doesn’t Seem To Get That You Might Need Time To Completely Alter Every One Of Your Personal Habits

In a week, the guy is shaking his head at your grain intake and tendency to tell little white lies. Don’t even bother trying to remind him that only recently he was saggy biceped and cheating on you. To him, that self was another person from another lifetime and you are some schlub arriving late to the show. (For what happens next, see #6)

 9. Scorpio Sweetie Loves Seeing You Powerful…

Get promoted to head librarian? Champagne’s on her.

Win the Nobel Peace Prize? She’ll weave you a garland of dove feathers.

Make her sexist brother look like a caveman at Thanksgiving dinner? Prepare for the makeout of a lifetime.

Seduce a cute boy to play with while she looks on? Hey, I think that airplane is spelling out your name!

10…So Long As You Don’t Make Her Feel Powerless

If she was up for head librarian, Nobel prize nominee, agreed with her foolish brother or wanted the boy for herself, forget the celebration. You’re in trouble. Beating Scorpio to what she wants—or simply exposing her vulnerabilities—is a good way to find out what the opposite of total love and acceptance looks like. In direct proportion to how badly she feels hurt, she will strike back—with psychological accuracy and apparent indifference to your fate.

11. A Scorpio Lover Will Kill You And Bring You Back To Life

If you can handle the game that Scorpio brings, if you can stay awake to life with him, if you can forgive his fear of getting hurt and respect his difficulty putting deep, emotional experiences into words, Scorpio bae will love you till the end, show up through the hard times and teach you about holding on to your desires and letting go when change is inevitable. The question is, do you have what it takes?

Scorpios, the complex, deep-feelers of the zodiac, also receive the harshest press. In reality, vindicative people are born year-round under every sign, and though Scorpio stings hard, it can also be immensely forgiving. With how vulnerable and confused the rest of us feel around those psychological masters, the Scorpio shit-talking won’t be going away anytime soon. Lucky for Scorpios, too, who strut that bad reputation like a pair of ridiculously tight and improbably sexy, leather pants.

Seeking further discouragement for your dating life? Find the dirt on Virgos here and peek in Libra’s closet here.

Or if you’re looking for good news–and a nudge in the right direction, get a one-on-one astrological consultation for only $75 (until 2016) to illuminate your unique needs, opportunities and challenges, in love and beyond.

Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading! P.s. This is a skype or phone reading for new clients only.

10 Reasons Not To Date A Libra

Libra!1. They don’t know they don’t actually like you.

You’re on the bus to some awkward office team building exercise, which is already the worst place in the universe to be headed. This Libra sits down next to you. He has cute hair, has somehow managed to make the dorky Team Building Day tee look good on him and he laughs, genuinely, at your jokey-but-serious description of ropes courses as a good place to hang oneself should the need arise. He asks a few thoughtful questions to show he’s listening and then mentions he heard you talking about Beyonce the other day and did you see her new video? A little more talk and you start looking forward to trust falls and ice breakers that require work-inappropriate levels of personal disclosure. It’s all good, because this cute, smart, interesting and attentive person seems kind of…in to you. At the end of the day, you send a FB friend request—and he accepts! Bold you asks him on a date, and he messages back, That sounds great. You message again, Saturday trivia night? And then, dah dah dah: nothing. Did you get my message? Nothing. Nothing, nothing. [Color your own tortured weekend staring at the phone.] Monday at work, he’s all smiles and friendliness. Repeat this process until you decide to quit your job, turn straight/gay/move to a houseboat anchored in the middle of the Pacific ocean because Libras have turned you off human beings forever.

2. They Love Love More Than They Love You

Libra boy drops by with a bottle of crazy expensive wine, then watches the whole season of OITNB with you in one sitting. At the bar with your friends, he can’t stop talking about how great you are, how sexy, how witty, asking you to tell that hilarious story again about your sister shaving off her eyebrows. When you’re off-grid for a day, he posts 14 I-miss-you music videos on your wall and sends you every heart and kissy emoji. Enjoy the attention, but don’t convince yourself you’re special because he sent those same 14 videos to his sister last week and his bestie yesterday. (For your own mental health, never interview his exes about their special song/pet names/date spots.)

3. They Charm You Into Doing Everything For Them But Will Never Admit It

Girlfriend doesn’t own a car and doesn’t need to. Somehow you end up offering to pick her up for every date and driving her to school and to the grocery store and throwing her laundry in with yours. To make matters more confusing, you didn’t even notice you were doing all that, because she’s so damn sly.

 4. They Prefer Words To Actions

On date one, Boo’s ambition sparked your fire, talking about quitting his server job to go back to school to start his own design company. On date two, Boo’s ambition sparked your fire, talking about going back to school. On date three, Boo was still talking about going back to school. On date four, you started to get the idea Boo really liked talking.

5. Say Goodbye To Getting Anything Done Ever Again

Because this girl’s cush studio is fully stocked with weed, wine, those little French cakes that look like Ho-Hos but taste like France, the nicest sheets you’ve ever slept on and a closet full of sexy outfits you can—and will—watch her put on and take off all day. Whether you mind the lack of productivity is another matter. Girlfriend will make lazy look so elegant, you’ll have to call it lounging.

6. They Want To Do Everything Together

Which is cute when you’re head-over-heels, and less cute when you’re getting dragged to another concert/birthday bar crawl/salsa lesson/work party you could really care less about, and even less cute when your dates include trips to the DMV to renew his license and accompanying him to the dentist. Good news is, if you’re unavailable, he’s almost as happy to take along an acquaintance-brand new best friend he met at brunch during the five minutes you were in the bathroom.

7. When They Finally Decide To Do Something, They Aren’t Even That Excited

After years of talk, Boo enrolls in community college design classes.

Way to go! you say. You’re doing it!

Sure, says Boo, shrugging. Inside his breezy, well-decorated Libran heart, though, he’s less excited about having made a choice than stunned by grief at all those beautiful possibilities—and the joy of talking about them—transformed into a single meh reality.

8. They’re So Nice…Until They’re Over It

Girlfriend has an encyclopedia of strategies for avoiding that unspeakable two-letter word (it starts with ‘n’ and ends with ‘o’). She makes up fake phone numbers for the skeezes who come on to her, she carries a change purse just so she always has something to give the guy panhandling by the freeway, she “forgets” to read the text from that frenemy she’d rather never see again. She politely chews your grandmother’s poison-flavored eggplant stirfry (then spits it into a napkin). She pretends to like your high school friends. She shows up for each rehearsal of your folk-punk band, cheering and clapping when you sing. She encourages you when you’re down. She always wants to see you. Then, without warning, she stops responding to your messages.

9. You’re the last to know you got dumped.

Four months into a Libra relationship, boo gets busy at work and you’re not all texty texty for a week. No sweat. Things are going so well and besides it’s nice to have some personal space. Hey, you doing okay? says your friend. I just heard. She shows you Boo’s newly edited OK Cupid page, her “It’s Complicated” status on FB—oh and those Instagrams of her in a snuggle pile with her ex. When Boo finally returns your copious voice messages, she can’t seem to understand why you’re so upset. It sounds like we had different expectations, she says and you want to shout YES MY EXPECTATION WAS FOR YOU TO NOT DUMP ME. But somehow you know that shouting and other excesses of unpleasantness are unlikely to go over well.

10. They’re Impossible To Stay Mad At

Libra Boy met another bae and kicked your booty to the curb. Normally, you pride yourself on holding decade-long grudges, but LB’s been Snapchatting videos of his cat at you since break-up day, keeps sending you invites to the exact kind of art shows you love, and shooting you little jokes about your professors and damn it, he’s just a really nice guy. How do you stay mad at someone who had such reasonable reasons for everything he did, who only wanted to protect your feelings, who only wants you to meet someone great who will love you for who you are, who probably means it when he says let’s be friends? Answer: it’s impossible. Give up now, because the number one relationship rule about Libras is that they always win.

The truth: 90% of everyone’s friends and exes are Libras. How can you help but want to spend time with and be seen on the arm of these warm, kind, witty style queens? You’re probably already dating one. Don’t even listen to me.

Want to read more bad news for your dating life? Get the dirt on Virgos here.

Looking for good news–and a nudge in the right direction? Get $25 an astrological consultation that will explore your own unique needs, opportunities and challenges, in love and beyond.

Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading! P.s. This is a skype or phone reading for new clients only.

10 Reasons Not To Date A Virgo


#1 – Your Virgo BF notices EVERYTHING.

When I say “everything” what I mean is: he notices everything that’s wrong. Which leads me to…

#2 – Your Virgo GF wants to fix you.

Her drive for perfection is awesome when she’s tinkering with your car engine or proofreading your cover letter. Sort of awesome when she’s killing herself to be the perfect girlfriend…and considerably less awesome when perfecting you becomes her favorite new hobby. She loves to help—and will help you with your (nonexistent) exercise regimen, your (donut-licious) diet, your (pleasurable! and probably harmless!) addictions, your work ethic (what does that even mean?) and your (cheerfully) pessimistic attitude. All those tiny sloppy edges to your personality? Stand back so this girl can buff ‘em to a shine.

#3 – Your Virgo GF is a workaholic.

Virgo is the insecure worker bee of the Zodiac. So long as your Virgo lover is building a clock or cooking soup for an elderly neighbor, she’s happy and fulfilled, but don’t even try to get that girl to nap in a hammock with you unless your idea of relaxation is listening to the low buzz of her unexpressed to-do list. Trust me, force her to chillax and you’ll be hearing about it in tiny barbs of “if-you’d-just-let-me-do-it-then” for the rest of the week.

#4 – Your Virgo BF is a health nut.

Do you have any idea how much gunk builds up in your colon without a regular lemon juice and cayenne pepper cleanse?

Do you want to hear about it?

Didn’t think so.

#5 – Your Virgo GF is a hypochondriac.

By month six of a Virgo relationship, you’ll know WebMD was invented to ruin your life.

#6 – Your Virgo BF thinks he’s tidy…

…But what he really means is that he created a library-caliber cross-referencing system for his Lego collection. If you point out the llama-sized dust bunnies rolling across his bedroom floor, he’ll look at you with genuine hurt like you’re just saying that to win an argument.

#7 – Your Virgo GF wants you to be the bad guy.

Virgos like to be appreciated and will always take one for the team (so long as the team is appreciative). That means when your GF’s best frenemy is on week three of a two-day couch surf, you’re the one who has to dropkick her duffle from the guestroom window.

#8 – Your Virgo BF complains. A lot.

In a teeny, tiny voice meant to sound casual and even chatty, he wants you to listen to a long list of everyone who crawled up his ass today—his boss, his mother, the hippie neighbor, the hippie neighbor’s dog, etc. Suggest that he might try being a little more assertive or even speaking up to some of these horrible, plan-ruining people—and prepare to be met with a logical explanation of how if your idea were a good solution, he would already have tried it, but here are 20 reasons why it won’t work.

#9 – You have never met anyone so anxious.

It is literally possible to hear a Virgo thinking at night from the other side of a reinforced concrete wall, with earplugs and a white noise machine, under an ocean.

#10 – Your Virgo GF is a wee bit sensitive.

Maybe you figured since she could dish it out, she must be able to take it. You figured wrong. Being mired in impenetrable system of self-criticism and personal goal-setting puts this girl a little on edge. Throw one little “I wish you’d put your underwear in the hamper” and watch her leaning tower topple.

#11 – Did I mention your Virgo BF is anal?

It drives him nuts that this list has exceeded ten items. He plans to write me a helpful note in the comments section in case I made a mistake. Never too late to edit!

#12 – You can’t handle this much devotion.

Through the haze of all the fixing, helping, dissatisfaction and anxiety, you are the alpha dog of Virgo GF’s world, the point of sense and stability in a chaotic, perpetually breaking-down universe. Prepare to be cuddled with–cautious and orderly–abandon.

Ok, but let’s be real. Gentle, kind Virgos are true cutie pies who really show up in their relationships. You’d have to be crazy to not date a Virgo. Want more serious insight into your Virgo sweetheart or your Virgo self? Need advice for managing Virgo anxiety or reaching Virgo goals? Hit me up, people. (And then tell us what you love about the Virgos in your life in the comments section below.)

Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading! P.s. This is a skype or phone reading for new clients only.

Dear Seagoat #13: When Pluto Rides Inta Town…

Dear Seagoat is now being co-hosted by The Tusk. Head over to check the column out in its new digs, plus read great other things about pop culture, leaving San Francisco, and PJ Harvey.

Dear Seagoat,

My partner and I are struggling with a decision whether or not to have a second child. We currently have a rambunctious four year old who keeps us challenged on every possible level. Not to mention I am in the beginning of a long journey towards pursuing a doctoral degree. I feel at a crossroads where both my family life and my career life demand so much of me and I want to do both well. I’m scared that having another child will rock my universe too much and I won’t be able to do the work I want to do as an academic or be the kick ass mom I want to be. On the other hand I love motherhood and parenting and always imagined having a larger family, I know this can happen in a lot of ways, but I am feeling a physical pull to be pregnant again. I’m heading to my late 30’s and realize that I don’t have endless time to ponder this decision. I feel the spirit of another person that wants to come through me, but also feel so driven by my work/career path right now and feel “pregnant” with a dissertation. Not sure about what I can handle physically and mentally if I do both of these yet struggling to let either one go. Feeling torn!

–Ambition Capricorn/Domestic Capricorn

Dear AC/DC,

I want to tell you a story about cowboys.

tumblr_inline_nehm6oixav1sbxyg9You’re somewhere in the lawless west, the kind of town built for goldminers, temporary men, bandits. Sun shines in your eyes, dust coats your nostrils, a saloon door creaks; down the road, far enough all you can see is haze and the speed of approach, a dark horse gallops thisaway, cloaked rider bearing down sidesaddle.

You know this rider, AC/DC. She’s visited you twice* before, though she never comes back for the same reason. She is the queen of our fears, the carrier-away of our dead and power incarnate.

This lady** bandida’s name? Pluto. And the job she’s coming to do? Oh, she’ll get it done—in three years or less.

Yes, that’s right, AC/DC. You’re at the beginning of a major Pluto transit—the biggest yet of your life. (For more about transits, read this.) Transits are a lot like the visitor who comes to town in a cowboy movie. The visitor might be a new sheriff (Saturn), a randy gambler (Jupiter), a preacher (Neptune), or, like Pluto, one tough and inscrutable motherfucker.

Makes sense you’d be feeling a little shifty in your boots. In one holster, you’ve got mommyhood; in the other, a little PhD-to-be. Hell, you’re one ambidextrous Capricorn. With that Cappy Sun in the 4th house, parenting is a career to you. And yet, a Cap needs to test herself against the larger world too. (That’s probably how you ended up in the Wild West. The cowboyly urge to roam.)***

But on a subconscious level, I bet you hear those hooves pounding closer. Early stages of a Pluto transit—before the first hit—can feel fraught with unseen tensions and high stakes. Maybe in the past, choices have been decided by external pressures—time, money, which cowboy’s the fastest draw. Or maybe you avoided your indecision by following duty (a Capricornian ruse) or smiled and agreed to your partner’s desires in order to secretly get your way. On the flip side, during other high noons, you may have put your loved ones’ desires first out of guilt.

Plenty of cowpokes try these strategies. Heck, it’s only human.

Problem is, the bandida Pluto ain’t gonna stand for it. No sir.

The answer to your dilemma is written not inside the stars, but within you, AC/DC, inscribed in your heart, in your gut, underneath probably a whole lot of feelings you’d rather not look it.

When Pluto squares your Moon this December, she’ll be fighting to the death—against whatever inside you is holding you back from being your most authentic, integrity-having self. Pluto always wins, so no matter what happens these next couple of years, you will grow profoundly, becoming a wholer version of yourself—emotionally, intimately and as a mother.

Pluto’s going to ask you to be completely honest with yourself about your motivations, your old childhood habits (especially from your relationship with mom), your needs and any tendencies to either play into or enact subtle power games.

Here’s a funny thing about Pluto, though. She won’t spend any bullets on you unless she has to. So if you feel yourself repressing anything—if there’s a truth you fear to speak aloud or a place guilt is creating denial—LET IT GO. Drop what you’re carrying and watch as Pluto leans down to grab it, then thunders off into the sunset in a blaze of glory (duh). Like this, a three-year transit can seem to pass away in a matter of months. It’s only a question of bravery.

You gotta ask yourself, AC/DC, do you want your healing bad enough?

*Most recently ~2008-2011 when Pluto entered Capricorn, passing over your IC and Mercury

**That’s right, I said “lady”. You wanna make something of it?

***Second Law of the Wild West: A good movie metaphor should include backstory.

Dear Seagoat wants to answer your relationship, career, creative, sexual etc. questions! Send ‘em here. Or go here to schedule an in-depth Skype reading of your own planets & transits.

Dear Seagoat #12: (Why) A Gemini Is A Gemini Is A Gemini…(or When Your Sun Sign Doesn’t Seem To Fit)

Dear Seagoat is now being co-hosted by The Tusk. Head over to check the column out in its new digs, plus read great other things about pop culture, leaving San Francisco, and PJ Harvey.

Dear Seagoat,

I am confused because I do not seem like what I read about Gemini. I am introverted, live in the woods, don’t go out much. Except for curiosity – I am very curious, almost indiscriminately so. Then I get confused by all I’ve learned. I have to come home to the woods and spend days figuring out what I believe, what I know. Can you help me understand this?

Gemini Or Not Gemini?


Dearest, finest, woodland-loving GONG,

Here’s what I’m imagining you’ve read about Geminis: Outgoing, happy chatterboxes with lifestyle ADD. Depending on the snarkiness of your sources, “two-faced” and “shallow” may have come up. No doubt you’ve also been cornered at a Christmas party by someone saying, “Oh, my god you’re a GEMINI??? You guys are CRAZY!” (If this hasn’t yet happened to you at a Christmas party, you do need to get out more.) The fact is, I think most people feel like you do about their purported Sun sign traits.

My friend, Lauren, who spends a lot of time on the internet, keeps telling me how popular astrology is “these days”.

I can’t tell if she’s right, or if I just keep migrating to progressively more New Age cities. In any case, I do notice that normal-looking, professionally successful people (spilling their cappuccinos on nicer clothing than I have ever owned) suddenly want to talk about planets and signs. (This is a lie. I am the one spilling my cappuccino.) (This is also a lie. I can’t actually afford cappuccino. Even if I could, I wouldn’t let the stuff pass my lips because I’m too New Age for caffeine.)

One side effect of this is a lot of astro-garbage flowing through the digital and IRL gutters, hiding out in the corner of keg parties, picking its nose in the ladies room of upscale eateries.

I will give you an example: Mercury Retrograde. People freak the fuck out about Mercury Retrograde. Google reveals wall-to-wall collective irrationalia—and the clickbait that panders to it. As a result, this month my FB feed is full of dear, lovely, otherwise intelligent people worrying their airplanes will drop from the sky, their life savings will disappear from the bank, their house will spring holes and sink into the ocean. While 10 weeks of the year Mercury Retro can produce pain and strife (e.g. the kind of customer service interactions that make sales clerks worldwide want to smash their heads through walls), it’s not pain and strife worth posting to Yahoo! Answers about. (Unless your greatest phobia is having to repeat yourself. In which case, I hope you’re spending this October hiding under the bed with your jaw wired shut and all your social media-ready devices wrapped in tinfoil.)

Am I taking a minute getting to the point? Perhaps that is because I’m channeling the curious (and distractible) spirit of the Gemini sign, a quality Gemini transmits to any planet that falls (by birth time) into its sphere of influence. Curiosity is an oversimplification, though. What Gemini fundamentally signifies is the impulse to look at an idea from all possible directions. That impulse can be exhausting—for the friends and loved ones of a Geminian individual—but also for each one of that individual’s insatiable Gemini planets. As a result, most Geminis do need a break from time-to-time—which is one place their famous duality shows up.

You, GONG, are in fact what I call a “super Gemini”, meaning you have a zillion planets in Gemini*, only one of which is your Sun. You play out that Gemini insatiability in so many different ways that in addition to tiring yourself out, you probably experience the lesser known (but common) side-effects of Geminian mental energy: paralyzing indecision and anxiety.

And whence goes indecision and anxiety, goeth coping mechanisms.

Depending on a Gemini Sun person’s birth chart, those coping mechanisms might come out as partying, novel writing, over-talking, cruising/hooking up, whatever. It just depends on what’s in the rest of your chart. Most of the Geminis in my life (a highly nonscientific sample) look from the outside like a ping pong ball bouncing between a public, lighthearted social side (getting out, meeting people) and a private, moodier or more pensive side (getting away from everything to read, write and think). I don’t think many of my Gemini friends would name themselves as extroverts, though from my sober-minded Capricorn perspective they might appear that way.

In your case, that mega Gemini planet cluster lives in the 9th house of your birth chart. The houses, less famous but arguably more important than the signs, reveal in what area of life planets prefer to express themselves. Among other things, the 9th house rules deep study and the search for meaning, as well as the need to get away—to be free and independent—to pursue those goals. Makes a lot of sense that you’d want to head out to the woods to process what you sucked up in your Gemini question vacuum; how better to comb through raw data and distill its deeper meaning, its more important Message, than to be by yourself in nature?

Still, GONG, this question is proof you’re a Gemini to the bone. Everyone else writes me because they’re going through a breakup or want to meet a cute grrl. You? You just want to know.

*(i.e. 6)

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Dear Seagoat #11: The Case of the Tongue-Tied Crush-er


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Dear Seagoat,

When I have crushes on people that I’m friends with or starting to be friends with, how to tell them, or otherwise open/invite possibility of shift from pal to crush? I mean, I have obviously done this with more or less success in my life but am mystified by it currently. Can I get some astro help?

–Crushed-Out Cancer wants to Know

Dear COCK,

In some corner of the world lives a person who has never struggled to work up their flirt-nerve. Maybe that corner of the world is the upstairs bathroom of a frat house and that person is a 19-year old boy, still drunk from last night, flossing his perfect teeth in a mirror so spattered with toothpaste and shaving cream and Renu Multipurpose Contact Lens Solution that he can’t really see his face, but he doesn’t care because he has that much confidence.

Just for fun, let’s name our happy-go-lucky, pre-alcoholic college freshman, Bailey.

Bailey, always confident, will snag one babe after another, each a girl of movie-star hair and lipstick-ad lips. Sometimes, he will fall in love brutally hard with those lips, that golden hair, the way she runs the tip of her tongue over her teeth just before cracking a joke. He’ll feel high—or almost—because she’ll always seem to be just out of reach. Other times, he’ll think the girls fall for him too easily, he’ll receive their attention but forget to return it. Only when they get bored and distant will Bailey think to himself, “She is kind of cute.” But it’s too late. The girl has a new boyfriend, one who pays more attention to her and Bailey is left longing and alone.

Why am I making up this story instead of just answering your question? Sleep deprivation may have something to do with it, but also, also, I think Bailey and you may need the same medicine.

Bailey is a romance-addict who loves to get in chaser-chasee relationships. At best, this is like doing amazing drugs, but at its worst, love makes Bailey feel like a Pomeranian leashed to the rear bumper of a speeding Toyota 4Runner. Sad, confused, scared, powerless.

A very small part of you, COCK, has certain romantic behaviors—and wounds—in common with Bailey. Like Bailey, your 5th House/Pisces South Node (past life shizznit) believes in perfect, exalted romance but often ends up with stress and confusion instead. Even if you get shy, it looks like you do know how to get your mack on. I wonder if your current mystification is actually an intuitive need for a new approach. You know how to make friends, but do you know how to really be friends with a partner? How to balance passion with a grounded, egalitarian bond? Are you willing to see your crushes as full, complicated people or do you get stuck on their shiny surfaces (movie star, gorgeous train wreck, the glamorous wounded)?

Instead of figuring out how to move things to the next level, I’d recommend slowing down and really building that friendship first.

Your soul path** in Virgo/11th house benefits from becoming more objective and clear-headed—turning down the crush heat so you can really see if this person is who you want—and so they can feel you seeing them. You’re great in groups, so bring this crush-friend into your group spaces (or join theirs). Dinner parties, political events, art making—anything so long as there are other people and projects to help diffuse the intensity. That’s good because it keeps your romantic energy from overwhelming you or anyone else, let’s you find out other friends’ objective opinions of the crush and keeps things at a speed that’s better for your slow-moving love nature.

And enjoy getting to know your crushy friend. Show your genuine curiosity about their life and their interests, especially beyond those qualities that attracted you. Feeling seen and accepted for one’s real self is a huge turn-on. You also have the gift of recognizing others’ talents and helping them figure out how to use those gifts. Again, feeling someone else’s investment in you is sexy. It’s attention-getting in the best possible way.

Also, relax and be your weird, funny, smart, sweet, sometimes-vulnerable self, so you too can experience the pleasure of being fully seen.

If your exchanges leave you energized and clear-headed, that’s a green flag. If you feel drained or stressed, notice the triggers. Are you people-pleasing? Forgetting to assert your boundaries? Fantasizing instead of staying grounded in the present? Check your behavior and try again. Is your body saying ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’? Listen, pay attention and keep experimenting with what kind of engagement feels good.

If it’s feeling good, stay on that slow pace. Venus and Mars are the sexy planets, and yours are in Virgo which needs to work toward things gradually, building a framework as it goes and paying attention to nuances. Equality can be a struggle for Virgo planets. In love, you want so badly to be helpful (and are gifted at it), that you can lose sight of who or what you’re helping. Before you get involved with your crush, have conversations about what you’re both looking for, what their past relationships were like, how they define things like honesty, trust, intimacy, partnership, dating. Do you have the same goals? Again, take it slow and really listen, especially to the parts that you may not want to hear.

Does this sound boring? Bailey might think so, but you, my dear COCK, are no Bailey. At bottom, you’re a grounded realist*** who wants deep, sustainable intimacy****. A relationship you can trust that spans love and sexiness. I wouldn’t worry so much about flirting. When the chemistry is there, flirtation arises naturally—at its own pace. Slowing down may mean you lose some of the drugged-out high of new love, but without the tragic lows, you might find you don’t miss it. Passion can be quiet too, and feels just as good when you let it come over you, bit by bit.

*someone with a different nodal axis that is

**North Node

***Cap Moon, Venus and Mars in Virgo

****Cancer Sun

Dear Seagoat wants to answer your relationship, career, creative, sexual etc. questions! Send ‘em here. Or go here to schedule an in-depth Skype reading of your own planets & transits.

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