9 Long Reasons Not To Date A Capricorn


1. Can You Please Define ‘Dating’?
When you set your sights on that dapper Cappy, better have a detailed answer, because she’ll want to know the terms and conditions of what she’s getting into. Does dating equal no-strings sex? Dinner and a movie? If so, how frequently? Will dating include ice skating and/or dancing? Meeting your parents? Meeting her parents? Will activities be involved that require lessons and/or prior experience? What is the likelihood of injury while dating? After what length of dating will it be acceptable to order in wonton soup instead? Will you respect the appropriate waiting period before leaving your toothbrush/shampoo/tampons in the bathroom? How convincing do you expect her fondness for your friends to be? Are you open to or do you have the intention of a serious relationship? If so, please define ‘serious.’ And on, and on, and on…

2. He Holds You At Arm’s Length For Months…
You’re determined. That’s good. Your Capricorn crush will expect you to take the relationship seriously—assuming you can prove yourself enough to for there to even be a relationship. Get good and comfortable two seats over at the espresso counter, having his best friends come along on what you thought was a cozy you plus him plus dogs-only hike and having your post-work bar trivia night cut off the second the buzzer goes. You can get down for the retro thrill of bowling, mini-golf and the pinball museum, and you genuinely love mountain biking and art galleries, but midafternoon public hang-outs are not exactly the setting of your dream romance. After months of pursuit, this slyly maddening cutie has only delivered a few addictive kisses (pressed against the bricks of the alleyway, in the rain underneath your awning)—the next time acting like it never even happened.

3. Then Plans the Marriage and 2.1 Babies in a Night
Pursuit pays off with this one. Boy howdy, does it. That fine workhorse applies herself as much to your body as to the success of her catering company. The hunger you’ve built up chasing her for months helps, but in three or four sex dates (each one a tidily scheduled week apart), she’s become a scholar of your central nervous system, a spelunker of your sexy caverns, a tireless rider of your, uh, pony? The pleasant, witty gentlewoman with whom you rode the ferris wheel and watched every Amy Adams movie ever made in the endless lead-up to hitting the hay, the same one who thinks a business card is a romantic gift, turns out to have a mouth like a sailor and screams loud enough to make for awkward explanations to the neighbors. Which is why it takes you by surprise when you wake up to her stroking your hair and delivering a verbal prospectus on where she’d like to see this relationship going over the next twenty years. Non-monogamy is fine in the short-term, she says, but probably not sustainable, though she’d like to hear your views on the subject. Also, do you have a 401K yet? When were you planning to get one? She hopes you like small dogs because she’s always wanted a chiweenie.

4. He Is ALWAYS Right
The knowing smirk on his lips tells you so. You are such a moron for thinking you know what to wear to your own job interview. You do not know, you silly, silly child. How do you make it through a day without setting fire to your hair or tying your shoelaces together? your sagelike Capricorn lover wonders. In his patient humor, Mr. Cappy will let you make your own mistakes, and will give his solid, wise, practical, time-tested, hard-earned, humble advice when you are good and ready to listen.

5. When She’s Wrong, You Don’t Even Get To Enjoy It
On rare occasion, Lady Cap admits error.
Lady Cap: “Do you remember on June 18th of last year when I told you that you should wear the yellow-striped shirt with the brown pants to your job interview?”
You, the idiot who decided to fall in love with a cross between a brick wall and quicksand: “Uh, nope.”
Lady Cap: “Well, on the Preparedness Weekly podcast, they said yellow in color psychology represents weakness and brings out a sleepy anger in predators. A Wall Street Journal study showed that job applicants in yellow shirts were half as likely to get the job.”
You: “I can’t even remember what I wore to that interview. Why are we talking about this?”
Lady C: “I’m sorry I gave you bad advice.”
You: “But I got the job.”
Lady C: “It was inappropriate of me to offer advice that I could not back up with evidence.”
You (slowly backing out of the room): “No big deal!”
Lady C (voice fading as you flee from the apartment): “To motivate myself to behave more responsibly in the future when it comes to your professional goals, I’ve decided to go on a low-carb diet and wear wet socks inside my boots and recite a list of my stupidities and failures in the mirror every morning…

6. Spontaneity Is The Enemy
It’s okay with you that he schedules sex. It’s okay that he puts it on the calendar in the kitchen where your friends could easily see it. It’s even fine that he sets three notifications on his phone letting him know that it will soon be time for sex, is about to be time for sex and IS time for sex. What gets to you is the explanation. He likes sex, he says, with you, a lot—it’s just that it happens to be very time-consuming, and the weekends are the only time he has to meet the medium-sized goals for his leather satchel business and without meeting the medium-sized goals, it is impossible to meet large-sized goals, and he will never have independence from his boss and the two of you will never own a house and if one of you gets sick you will have to move in with his sister who works for Google. He says this as the third of three notifications is beeping at him, and he is already beginning to unbutton his Levis. Is this your idea of foreplay? you ask him. No, this is, he says, and reminds you for the next exactly thirty minutes why you can’t get yourself to leave him.

7. She’s As Moody As A Billy Goat…
She drives herself so hard, you can practically hear the whiplash when she slows down. And slow she does. You’ve come home many nights to find her hiding under the blankets, staring at the Netflix menu with a glazed look that tells you she stopped browsing hours ago. Other days, she winds herself into a long-lasting anger listening to the news. You hear for weeks about the failure of ethics and pragmatism that led to the housing crash, or the outrageous cabinet appointments of the new president, and all you want to do is offer your girl a neck brace and tell her it’s okay to cry.

8. …But He Won’t Let You In
Good luck getting him to cry, though. Cappy boy keeps his feelings inside a lidded jar, inside a duct-taped box, in a bomb-proof safe at the dark, unexplored bottom of two or three consecutive oceans. The effect is that, when sad or angry, he vibrates. You know you’re in trouble when he stares at you with chilly unsurprise as if he can see through your skull to your individual brain cells at work and has found them to be slovenly and ill-equipped for their jobs.

9. She’s An Abuser…
…and her victim is herself. Loving this girl means watching her berate herself, kick herself when she’s down and punish herself for failing to meet impossible standards. It’s like having box seats for a war in which one side drops nukes and the other side defends itself with dollar-store umbrellas. The only way she’ll win is by triggering a nuclear winter that freezes the human being out of herself once and for all. It’s not pretty.

10. When He Trusts You It’s Like You’re Standing On Mt. Frickin’ Everest
When and IF Mr. Caps opens up to you—when he admits his many, many, many, many fears and learns to say he’s sad instead of icing you out—you’ll feel like the goat stamping its triumphant hooves at the top of the mountain. Better yet, you’ll find that inside your rocky outcropping of a lover is the tenderest, most deep-feeling, most committed, to-the-bones honest partner you could have. The tedious tests and weird contractual negotiations of dating this Capricorn turn out to have been the building blocks of a lasting, rooted love in which both of you can grow. The challenges of a long-term relationship inspire him and bring him closer to you. He also seems to be aging backwards, becoming more relaxed, playful, spontaneous and sexy with each passing year. His advice, when you ask for it, is (usually) rock-solid—and his respect for you increases gradually until one day you find he’s seeking your advice almost as much as you seek his. You could even say that he admires you. (Also, he was right about the 401K.

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11 responses to “9 Long Reasons Not To Date A Capricorn”

  1. Seagoat, you are so brilliant and I don’t even know any Capricorns so I must be talking about your sheer writing brilliance.

  2. I absolutely cannot believe how accurate AND hysterical this is! I so see myself in all of these descriptions. I even run a catering company! Your insight is freaky on target. Thanks so much for sharing the insights astrology can provide – and in such an accessible way.

    • Ha! Cait, I’m so slow at blog posts (this is why Leos won’t hang out with us Caps isn’t it?). I’m doing them all in order, so I *will* get to Leo eventually–hopefully by your next birthday. (Saving the best for last.)

  3. When you say “months” at arms length with a cap guy are we talking 4-5 or like 7-8? Inquiring mind, I’ve been “hanging out” with one for 3 months now and he says he likes me but he definitely lives by his schedule.

    • Ha! Unfortunately, even with a complete natal chart, no one could make that kind of prediction–probably not even your cap guy. (Wouldn’t it be nice if you could, though?) Even with astrology, human life is still mostly free will and random chance. Your best bet is to ask *him.* If he’s a really classic Cappy, he may have a specific timeline or set of criteria in mind–and likely will respect your desire to know.

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