5 Simple Reasons Not to Date A Taurus

If Julio Cortázar had written an astrology listicle, it would probably sound like this. (He was a Virgo, but we won’t hold that against him.)

  1. The Taurus Is Pathologically Cute, Even If They Are So Far From Being Your Type That They Are Actually Another Species And There Is Food On Their Face
    She catches your eye at the cafe. There’s just something about her, a potentially nuclear radiation of cuteness. You look closer–is that chocolate cake smeared across her chin? Are several thousand squid tentacles squirming from her shoulders? There is no question that she has been exposed to some sort of government experiment, and needs a napkin. And yet, she is proud of her flavor-saver squid bod. Smugly, she sparkles her eyes and you float over, like Pepe le Pew hooked on the perfume of Taurean self-satisfaction.
  2. The Taurus Is A Flirt
    It’s crowded over by this cafe table. You elbow your way in through the mob of squid-bod’s admirers. Apparently she makes those sparkle-eyes at everyone! You aren’t even special. As you turn to leave, the Taurus calls your name and makes a special inside joke, one which she has invented this minute, just for you. “Chocolate-cake chin,” she says wryly, gesturing to herself, showing you that she has seen you seeing her. The subtext is clearly “come lick it off, you animal” but you just smile because there are all these other dopey-eyed dreamers around who actually thinks she likes them. The fools.
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  3. The Taurus Will Never Reject You, Even When Hell Freezes, You Will Just Have To Figure It Out For Yourself
    Since all the chairs around squid-bod are taken, you crouch at the feet of those hopeless suitors. It’s not exactly comfortable but at least from here you can admire your crush’s purple tentacles, the elegant way they pluck candy from the heart-shaped candy boxes being thrust into her face, the quiet kiss of her suction cups as she scratches her butt. Every so often, you poke up your head to suggest that maybe the two of you could go somewhere quiet, you know a nice tidepool. “Yes!” she says. “I’d love to! In a minute?” “Sure,” you say, dizzy with the thought of her many arms around you. Days pass. You subsist on dried up chewing gum from the bottom of the table. You are very dehydrated. “Do you still want to go to the tidepool?” you ask. “Yes!” she says. “Give me a minute?” Only as you are losing consciousness does it occur to you that she doesn’t seem to know your name.
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  4. The Taurus Owns Reality
    It took a decade or two, but your patience paid off. As the other suitors got bored or became pushy, squid-bod developed a growing love for you, you, you. Except when you tell this story to yourmutual friends, she laughs like you’re an adorable idiot and says, “Ha! We met at a party.” “Some party,” you grumble. You have arthritis in your knees from those years of crouching, you have a social media feed full of selfies featuring you underneath a very specific and memorable table, your fingernails worn to raw flesh from picking off chewing gum. You almost died. “The thing that brought us together is that we both valued our full lives,” continues squid-bod, to a growing audience. “Our friendships are as important to us as a romantic partner, so we took it slow.” Gradually, the crowd of squid-bod’s friends gets too big, too overwhelming, and you wander off to find a drink or some dried-up chewing gum. Why not? Either way, squid-bod will tell everyone what a great time you had tonight, how you really respect each other’s independence and aren’t the two of you so lucky?
  5. The Taurus Will Never Let You Go…And Maybe That’s Exactly What You Want
    Several more decades pass. You are still not sure squid-bod knows your name. She says she knows your name but she never says your name. You get tired of this. You tell her, “I’m leaving,” turning away from her pathological attractiveness. Why did you think you could make it work with a squid? She sleeps in a peanut butter jar! She once tried to eat your eyeball! “Okay,” she says, like no biggie. You are shocked how easy this break-up is going, how amicable she is. She even helps you pack your boxes. She sends postcards to your new apartment. She tags you in cat memes. What an effort she is making to build a friendship! What a fantastic break-up you are having, the best ever! “Hey,” she says, calling to remind you about a mutual friend’s birthday party, “do you want to just go together?” Why not? You are remembering what you liked about her. At the party, you overhear her say, “Yeah, we decided we needed a more independent partnership, we’re more committed than ever now that we live apart.” The crowd of her friends smiles at her and you. Someone throws an arm around your shoulder. “You are so fucking lucky,” her friend says. You realize, with confusion, that you never broke up with squid-bod. And now, you can’t remember why you wanted to in the first place. The music comes on and squid-bod, wriggling her aqueous hips to the bass, opens her many arms. You close your eyes and pray she will call your name.
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    Over Tauruses already? Click here for reasons to not date all the other signs. (Gemini, Cancer and Leo are equally bad ideas. Their takedowns are coming soon!)
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    Image authors: Skunks, Lego bicycle, & chair

    Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading by Zoom or phone

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