10 Melodramatic Reasons Not to Date A Pisces: A Bodice-Ripper

Pisces Fish

Dear Pisces readers, thanks in advance for being sports. In the spirit of Piscean imagination, this post got very silly. If anyone refuses to date you for any of the following reasons, I will personally give them what-for.

1. Pisces is an Addictive Mystery
That blur around the edges, it’s the first thing you noticed about him, like Romeo lingering before his play starts. He’s here but not here, your Pisces crush. That distant look made you assume he already had a sweetheart, but word is he’s single. (Single-ish?) He’s on the trail of something—a great work of art, a secret about the universe—and you’re hungry to find out more…

2. Pisces is Her Own Private Idaho
…Good luck with that. Your Pisces crush is her own secret, one she couldn’t tell if she wanted to (to be clear, she doesn’t). If you want a piece of her, be okay with knowing her best parts are tucked away somewhere special.

3. Pisces is Running into the Sunset
You notice a pattern. Wine, weed, World of Warcraft, doorstop-thick novels, binge-watching extravaganzas, silent meditation retreats, friends in need of round-the-clock support—whatever your Fish’s escape route of choice, he always seems to be somewhere besides the here and now.

4. Pisces Wears Rose-Colored Glasses
What your Fishy lover says about you make you shake. You’ve never been loved so completely, seen so thoroughly. You’re the next Mark Rothko, they say when you leave avocado streaks across your napkin. You’re Beyonce, when singing off-key in the driver’s seat. And when you throw the neighbor kid’s ball back over the fence, You have such a good heart, even though you did it because you hate giving the neighbors any reason to talk to you. You vow to live up to this better self you always knew lived within.

5. You are Pisces’ Drug of Choice
Fish boy loves you. Loves, loves, loves you. Counts off daisy petals with your name, something you thought only television farm girls did. When you have insomnia, he speeds over at three a.m. with pills and bath salts and a monotonous book of poetry and a full body massage to lull you to sleep. When you wake up, he’s painting your drooling lip onto a canvas balanced on his lap. The lip is the front door to the mouth. The mouth is the opening of the soul, he says. He is, in a word, attentive. You feel guilty, but Fish boy seems to require nothing in return. You bask in the attention.

6. Pisces Has Lived a Tragic Life
She’s suffered, your Fishes. Disney cartoon villains loom over her past, and victims of Bollywood proportion weep unheard, waiting for their prince. You sympathize with Miss Fish. She’s a gentle soul in a rough sea. It makes sense she’s been disappointed in love, but no more, not as far as you’re concerned. You vow to never so much as blow an eyelash off her eyelid.

7. Pisces is Just Longing With Arms and Legs
He roams through your apartment like a plastic bag in the wind, looking for something he lost. You offer keys, wallet, an orphan glove, a book, a worn receipt, its numbers rubbed away. He smiles wanly and drifts past, gaze lost on the horizon. Objects slip through his fingers as through the hands of sleepwalkers.

8. Pisces Makes You Lonely
The Fish wants alone time. A lot of alone time. “Your aura is too loud,” says the Fish on their way to meditation class. “My therapist says you are too angry,” the Fish offers over breakfast. You begin boning one of the neighbors, you’re not sure which one. You bone all the neighbors. You are vengeful and petty.

9. Pisces Trusts You (Too Much)
You wait to be caught. You already know what you will say, how you will beg forgiveness, if only the Fish loves you again with the smae intensity she loves the newest season of Empire. But the Fish seems relieved when you come home late again. She only gazes lovingly at you in the morning, when you are a half-asleep, baby bunny of yourself. You feel guilty. You confess.

10. Pisces Hates You Forever
Love is a light switch in Fish boy that someone (you?) flipped. His eyes are dark when he looks at you. Will he forgive you? He will not. On the phone you overhear him telling a friend a story about a new disney cartoon villain who is you. His hurt is real and huge. You weep and rend your clothing, but Fish boy will never take you back.

11. Pisces Is Fine Without You
You find out on Facebook that the Fish had one of those diy weddings. There are photos of the Fish on a gallant white mare. Their new love has blinding teeth. You spend the next year reading happy status updates and drinking a lot. Ping! says your inbox. It’s a message from the Fish. I’ve been thinking about you, it says. I miss you. You notice in a recent photograph a glint of mystery in the Fish’s eye. You wonder what they’re thinking about. You hit ‘reply.’

Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading! P.s. This is a skype or phone reading for new clients only.

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