Reasons Not to Date an Aquarius

Reasons not to date an Aquarius1

  1. Does the Aquarius even like you?

Your crush has an aloof, cool disinterest. If she’s friendly, it’s to the same degree that she’s friendly to the girl who splashed beer on her shoes. If she’s unfriendly, she’s still willing to talk to you. Her distance is vague and alluring. Is she aloof because she’s nervous or because you bore her? Is she crushed out on you or merely willing to lurk beside you at the edge of the dance floor because she’s waiting for someone better to come along? The world may never know.

  1. The Aquarius Knows Everything

Talking politics, history, theory or astrology with Aquaman is always stimulating. No matter how out there your ideas, he’s unshockable—even excited to hear that you look at things differently from the rest of the sheeple. After a few hangouts, you realize that moment you thought you were blowing his mind, he was just excited that you figured out something he read about years ago—and actually he disagrees, he’s just too conflict-avoidant to say so.

  1. The Aquarius is a Cyborg

At least, she’s convinced she is. Food? Doesn’t need it. Physical affection? Can live without. Sex? Surprisingly fun—you humans are onto something. Exercise? Diligently performed to maintain optimal meat-suit efficiency. Don’t get too attached, cause as soon as science figures out how to upload human consciousness into the cloud, she’ll have disappeared in a flash of 1s and 0s.

  1. Feelings are Just Not Her Thing

“I’m not crying,” says Aquarius as tears roll down her cheeks. In case you’re wondering, her eyes “get really dry this time of year.”

  1. “Let’s just stay friends.”

So says Aquaman when you ask him on an official date. What he means by this is: let’s keep having sex and seeing each other every day and sending each other the butt emoji and heart emoji and the skeptical eyes emoji, but let us never never never call it dating. Dating, by Aquaman’s logic, is what anti-intellectual, cookie-cutter people do. Start dating and next thing you know comes marriage, competitive preschool admissions and a Labrador retriever named Duke. Besides, friendship—a no-strings-attached relationship between equals—is the highest form of love known to an Aquarius.

  1. Owns 36 Versions of the Same Outfit

Remember that classic black combo Aquaboy wore the night you met? Tight black jeans, old school sneakers and a muscle tee? Hope you liked it, because literally every item of clothing he owns is identical. “That’s not true!” he argues, pointing to his identical-but-red pair of Chucks. If you ever get a chance to wait for hours while he debates between red shoes and black, you’ll be glad he kept his wardrobe simple.

  1. The Aquarius is a Perfectionist

Seeing your Aquarius reading cat food labels at the grocery store will help you understand how she reached her state of unshockable intellectual omniscience. Your (ahem) “friend” researches every decision as broadly as possible in hopes of discovering the perfect choice. This is cute in the pet supply aisle but scary if you’re the item on which she’s trying to make up her mind. It make take months, years or even decades of observation, but in the end Aquarius always picks well. May the odds be ever in your favor.

  1. Aquarius Is Dying To Fit In

Do the math and you’ll find out your crush’s dark secret. Dodging conflict + “mates before dates” + can’t pick an outfit = your Aquarian rebel is a conformist! As much as he likes you, your approval will never measure up to the opinion of his friends, even if they’re total jerks. Embarrass him in front of his group and you better hope he’s already decided you’re the one.

  1. The Aquarius is a Shock Artist

You made a mistake in your math. Your Aquarian conformist is a die-hard rebel! Don’t be surprised if one day, your punkrock-burn-down-mcdonalds-don’t-call-me-your-girlfriend lover leaves you to be a well-heeled civil rights lawyer, or a neocon suburban homemaker with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever named Duke, or even marries you. The second your Aquarian gets bored of her life, she’ll start a new one. It’s the cyborg way. (Winky-face emoji.)

  1. A Best Friend For Life

“Let’s stay friends,” Aquaperson said, and meant it. They want to share the ultimate relationship with you. They respect your unique way of doing things and you love each other’s weird brains. The feelings are there, quiet and mutually known, without needing to be over-examined. Your Aquarian always shows up when you need them and has enough of their own, separate life to keep that maddening, first-sight crush going for years to come. Whether or not your Aquarian wants to wear a normative relationship label, you’ve found the best friend you could ever have. (Just don’t tell them the “best” part, because Aquaperson opposes the whole notion of hierarchies.)


Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading! P.s. This is a skype or phone reading for new clients only.

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