- She falls in love so fast and hard it’s freaky.
You picked this one out of the tinder line-up because she sounded like fun—and she is. You had sex on the first date because, well, it was fun. Which is not the same as having a drive through wedding the last time you checked. Yeah but by the time you get home from boning, this one’s written a mega-scrolldown-demanding paean to your incredible mind and how intellectual your dirty talk is, saying doesn’t it all make you think about astrophysics, the two of you particles colliding into a new universe and what are you doing tomorrow?
- She convinces you it’s a good idea to fall in love so fast/hard it’s freaky.
You’re not made of stone. The text paean was addended with e-tickets to a David Sedaris reading and a picture of a sex toy she bought especially for you.
- A person has to sleep sometime…
But try explaining that to Sag’ boy when he calls you up at 2AM the night after an all-day date. Have you ever ended a four-hour hike over a cliff to watch the sunrise? You haven’t—and there are three good reasons for that: R, E, and M. Also, you just invested in this really plump pillow. Good luck explaining that to Sag-y McAdventurePants though, because…
- Once he gets going on an idea, this boy can talk.
It’s actually less about quantity than conviction. He listens to what you have to say, but he believes in the importance of scrabbling up rocky trails in the pitch-black dark with such fervor and optimism that by 2:09AM you’re convinced and by 2:11, you’re lacing hiking boots up in the passenger seat of his truck.
- Then she goes MIA for no discernible reason.
A week in, you’re on the wild love train. Dating girlfriend is the adult, metaphorical version of weekends spent with your divorced dad, an exhausting-thrilling journey from metaphorical six flags to the metaphorical water park to a metaphorical ice cream parlor—with that same epic-endless sense of freedom and none of the divorced dad pathos. Each time you pick up your phone, there’s yet another scrolldown note from Sag’ girl. Girl always manages to make you feel your love is an extraordinary door opening you both into greater mutual consciousness, making you more human, larger, in touch, together, with the whole wide world. Which is what you’re expecting when you get home from the latest bone-a-thon. Nope. No text. No missed call. No ping. Ok, cool. You’re fine. You are a cool customer. You can give people their space. 6 hours later, still nothing. Tomorrow, nothing. You stare at the walls of your crappy apartment. Why don’t you own any really intellectual books? You should have gone back to school. What are you even doing with yourself? You think about calling the police. Not because you believe girlfriend’s in danger, but because she has made your life without her feel so quiet and pedestrian, it has to be a crime.
- It’s impossible to stay mad at her.
By day three, you have mentally prepared a list of her transgressions. Your friends cheer you on. “Take that player down!” they cry. “Show her who she’s messing with!” You plan to make her feel really, really guilty. Like, ran-over-a-puppy guilty. Because your heart is a puppy. A cute little ball of orange love-fluff, mashed into puppy soup by her honkin huge tractor trailer tires. The bastarda. (You don’t care if bastarda’s not a word.)
She texts, “I’m coming over.”
Yes, you think, That’s right. Walk into my sticky guilt-trap. You meditate on the pitiful texture of puppy soup.
She run in without knocking, her cheeks warm, her eyes glittering with stories. “I had the most amazing week,” she says. “I thought about you the whole time…!” and proceeds to tell you about an unexpected opportunity involving a helicopter, an elephant and an impromptu lecture invite at the white house. The story is funny and wise, most of all because she punctuates it by saying which things reminded her of something you said, which places she wants to bring you next time. Your dog soup has reassembled itself into a happy, panting golden retriever and the best you can manage is a meager, “but next time IM me, okay?”
- He couldn’t find the present tense if he was trapped in a one dimensional universe. Get it? because time is spatial and so if there’s no space…nevermind. The point is:
After a long time with Mr. Sag’, you notice that in his day-to-day life, he’s often not having fun at all. His boss is a jerk, he earns half of what he should, his coworkers in the marketing department don’t do their work, his best friend is always pissed at him and he’s got this nagging cough that wakes him up during the night. He fantasizes about earning his master’s degree. When he’s had an especially hard day, instead of dwelling on it, he’ll tell you about the research facilities at his dream university, the specific pipettes, the variety of lifeforms in the lab, the internship opportunities, the famous bioethicist who teaches there. The two of you sock away your cash and Mister exhausts himself taking evening classes at the local community college. Finally, you pack up the apartment and make the long cross-country drive to where your sweetie can at last be happy—which, based on his joy scanning the school catalogue, seems like certain fate. Time passes and you notice something. Mr. Sag’s department chair is a jerk, he has half the funding he should, his students don’t do their homework, you two are always fighting and the cough has gotten worse. Instead of dwelling on your unhappy life together, Mr. Sag will say, “Have you seen this PhD program in Scotland? Look at those gorgeous sheep!” Or he’ll reminisce, “Do you remember that Thai restaurant back in Cali and how we’d eat takeout walking along the beach? I used to meet the most interesting people in marketing. I’ve been thinking, I really should have given my boss a break, he was a good guy at heart.”
- He thinks working out your problems is boring (if he can even recognize them as problems).
By the time you move to Scotland, your patience is shot. You remember the final hours of divorced dad weekends: dragging your feet through the park while he played with “your” fancy remote-controlled plane and you secretly wished to be back in school already, doing math worksheets and passing cootie-catchers to your friends. You are starting to scowl at the whole idea of fun. What is “fun” after all? Who’s to say washing dishes isn’t fun? Or sitting on the sofa? You, for one, are a big fan of sitting on the sofa. Still, you love Mr. Sag’—he’s a kind, generous person, even if he has dragged you halfway around the world only to be similarly miserable at a different longitude. You want to work it out.
“We need to see someone,” you say. “We need help.”
“If that would make you happy,” he says, smiling benignly.
You want to throw something at him. Instead, you make the fricking appointment.
- Sagittarius Break-up, Version A: She falls in love with someone else so fast/hard it’s freaky.
The therapy gets Sag’ girl to listen to the stuff that’s been bothering you, but her tendency to gloss over the details with a veneer of optimism makes it feel like she’s not hearing. Still, you believe that relationships require hard work and that being able to get through difficulties together will make you stronger as a couple. She believes this too, she says. You keep working in therapy and it’s hard but you’re beginning to articulate your needs better. You feel stronger than you have in a long time. You feel yourself becoming a better partner. For the first time, you’re serious and slow with each other. It feels good in a weird way, like being adults. That night, she confesses that she met this other person and the connection is really amazing. Very passionate. They haven’t slept together yet, because she wanted to be ethical with you. She knows it will be hard, but you’ve been making each other so miserable lately, it just makes sense to let each other go. (For if you’ll stay friends, see #6.)
- Sagittarius Break-up, Version B: He Gives You So Much Space, You Forget You’re In A Relationship
When he learns you’re unhappy, Sagittarius boy encourages you to develop yourself, find your own path. He helps you pick your dream PhD program—this one in Alaska. What are three years apart in a lifetime together? He gets you excited about this new kind of relationship, so different from your parents’. You can both be whole, full free people. Love is what binds you, not rules. “Go, grow, fly, dance little bird,” he cries, leaping up and down, arms flapping on the Scottish tarmac as your plane alights.
He’s right. You love Alaska. The brisk white winters with their sliver of daylight. The lines of clean pipettes in your chemistry lab. The solitude. The polar men with their barrel chests and bellies and whispers, who taste like sea. It’s less a break-up than the slow drifting apart of two ice floes, or at least that’s how you explain it to the mountain man who keeps you warm in the arctic night and always comes home to you. Sag boy sends you long heartbroken texts. “What happened?” he laments. “We were so free together.”
- Magic Rewind! No Breakup, Version C: She Drives You Nuts Sometimes, But You’d Never Give Her Up.
Despite her tendency towards over-confidence and the fact that her shirt buttons never seem to line up, this girl is inspiration incarnate. No matter how many people cut you off in traffic or how fast the polar ice caps are melting, she seems to know the hidden reason behind the madness, the secret link between each human being that makes your fellow drivers’ incompetence forgivable. She’s gotten better about letting you know in advance of a disappearing act, and you actually enjoy the time spent apart—the sex is hotter later and so is the connection. It’s like you get to fall for each other over and over again in the same lifetime. You wouldn’t trade your Sagittarian boo for anything.
Sagittarians, the zodiac’s truth-seekers, make up for their youthful risk-taking by maturing into wise, warm, adventurers of the mind. If they don’t find you too dull (sorry Capricorns, I’m looking at you) or too shallow (ahem, Gemini) and you can endure their appalling manners (Libra, be honest with yourself), a Sagittarius sweetie will make your long-term relationship feel like the exciting journey that never ends.
Or if you’re already in love, visit the Seagoat Gift Shop, where you can order a one-of-a-kind chart reading for your sweetly undateable special person starting at $15 bucks.
Who’s your ideal partner—and how can you land ‘em? Find out in a personal 20 minute Love reading! P.s. This is a skype or phone reading for new clients only.