“I killed a man just to see him die,” you tell Scorpio bae.
“Yeah, I get that,” she says.
“That’s not a song quote,” you clarify. “I actually smothered him with a laundry bag. He was my college roommate? It took like five minutes.”
“I have dark impulses too,” says bae. “It’s part of being human.”
2. …But She’s Keeping A File On Your Ass.
After you cancel on a date for the second time—with her already in her insane, 3-hour studio-quality makeup—Scorpio frowns at you over Skype. Almost casually, she tosses out, “My mother keeps saying you’re too unstable for me to date. All that murdering you do. She says you should be institutionalized”, then shrugs like, no biggie.
“’All that murdering’? It was one guy!” you protest, furious at her betrayal.
But Scorpio laughs, seeming confused by your reaction. “It’s really not an issue, okay? I’m sure some of my friends want to go out tonight. You take some mental health time, sweetie.”
3. Your Scorpio Lover Supports You Like No One Ever Has…
He uses his natural psychological insight to help you see your mother’s manipulations and the wounds your father’s absence left. He sees the fragile, broken-winged sparrow you have been and the thunderwinged PHOENIX RISING FROM ASHY ASHES TO RULE THE WORLD you could be. You aren’t a crier—but with him you weep, feeling the years of damaged trust flake away like dry skin loosened by a sympathetic exfoliating sponge. His eyes full of love and light shine way down into your abandoned well of a soul and so long as he’s looking, you feel the phoenix, the world ruling, how it’s true just like they told you back in the 80s, that you really are special and unique and can do anything you set your mind to.
4. …Until You’re Totally Helpless Without Him.
Six months into dating Mr.-Cry-On-My-Shoulder, you’re ruling the world like a phoenix (because they do that), but find yourself running to him every time something hurts. You form an opinion about your new negotiating partner, Vladimir Putin, but immediately doubt yourself, wondering what penetrating psychological nuances Scorpio boy would notice and if ol’ Putin is taking you for a ride. Texting Scorpster seventeen times an hour with clips of your international video conference (caption: “what u thik? Trust?”) only irritates him though. He was hoping with you up to your neck in U.N. talks, he could get some privacy for once. For the rest of the day, you can barely listen to Putin because you’re counting down the hours until you can confide your lack of self-confidence to Scorpio lover.
5. She Will Go Deeper/Further/Harder/Faster/More Than Anyone You’ve Ever Loved…
Having sex until every surface of your body is chafed, talking until you’re both hoarse, eating so many deep-fried cupcakes you could barf, dancing until your legs are like two rubbery strangers wobbling around underneath the rest of your body…this girl knows how to live, and being with her, you are, for the first time, fully awake.
6…But If You Can’t Keep Up, She’ll Find Someone Else.
You’re both getting older and frankly you’re tired. You would rather watch Netflix and sit together sighing than engage in the soul-baring conversations of your early days. How much baring does a soul need after all? Your soul feels over-bared, worn out, like an undershirt that sat in bleach too long. Likewise, you mention, cutting down the sodium, grease and sugar seems wise.
Scorpio honey seems to agree. “Mm,” she says, engrossed in her computer screen, where she’s doing important research for her next novel.
What she’s actually doing: engaging in a torrid love affair with one of her students via Facebook message, soon to advance to a motel room cliché. So long as she keeps getting to soak up the thrilling torture guilt and shame—and you stay flexible about your definition of “honesty” and “monogamy”—you two could spend the rest of your lives together, so long as you have a flexible definition of “together”.
7. Your Scorpio Boo Has Mastered Self-Control…
After the screaming, barb-laden fights, friend interventions and couples counseling, Boo quits smoking, quits drinking, gives away his cocaine and meth, signs up for Sex Addicts Anonymous, goes paleo, joins a gym and renews his marital vows. In a single day.
8…But Doesn’t Seem To Get That You Might Need Time To Completely Alter Every One Of Your Personal Habits
In a week, the guy is shaking his head at your grain intake and tendency to tell little white lies. Don’t even bother trying to remind him that only recently he was saggy biceped and cheating on you. To him, that self was another person from another lifetime and you are some schlub arriving late to the show. (For what happens next, see #6)
9. Scorpio Sweetie Loves Seeing You Powerful…
Get promoted to head librarian? Champagne’s on her.
Win the Nobel Peace Prize? She’ll weave you a garland of dove feathers.
Make her sexist brother look like a caveman at Thanksgiving dinner? Prepare for the makeout of a lifetime.
Seduce a cute boy to play with while she looks on? Hey, I think that airplane is spelling out your name!
10…So Long As You Don’t Make Her Feel Powerless
If she was up for head librarian, Nobel prize nominee, agreed with her foolish brother or wanted the boy for herself, forget the celebration. You’re in trouble. Beating Scorpio to what she wants—or simply exposing her vulnerabilities—is a good way to find out what the opposite of total love and acceptance looks like. In direct proportion to how badly she feels hurt, she will strike back—with psychological accuracy and apparent indifference to your fate.
11. A Scorpio Lover Will Kill You And Bring You Back To Life
If you can handle the game that Scorpio brings, if you can stay awake to life with him, if you can forgive his fear of getting hurt and respect his difficulty putting deep, emotional experiences into words, Scorpio bae will love you till the end, show up through the hard times and teach you about holding on to your desires and letting go when change is inevitable. The question is, do you have what it takes?
Scorpios, the complex, deep-feelers of the zodiac, also receive the harshest press. In reality, vindicative people are born year-round under every sign, and though Scorpio stings hard, it can also be immensely forgiving. With how vulnerable and confused the rest of us feel around those psychological masters, the Scorpio shit-talking won’t be going away anytime soon. Lucky for Scorpios, too, who strut that bad reputation like a pair of ridiculously tight and improbably sexy, leather pants.
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