You’re on the bus to some awkward office team building exercise, which is already the worst place in the universe to be headed. This Libra sits down next to you. He has cute hair, has somehow managed to make the dorky Team Building Day tee look good on him and he laughs, genuinely, at your jokey-but-serious description of ropes courses as a good place to hang oneself should the need arise. He asks a few thoughtful questions to show he’s listening and then mentions he heard you talking about Beyonce the other day and did you see her new video? A little more talk and you start looking forward to trust falls and ice breakers that require work-inappropriate levels of personal disclosure. It’s all good, because this cute, smart, interesting and attentive person seems kind of…in to you. At the end of the day, you send a FB friend request—and he accepts! Bold you asks him on a date, and he messages back, That sounds great. You message again, Saturday trivia night? And then, dah dah dah: nothing. Did you get my message? Nothing. Nothing, nothing. [Color your own tortured weekend staring at the phone.] Monday at work, he’s all smiles and friendliness. Repeat this process until you decide to quit your job, turn straight/gay/move to a houseboat anchored in the middle of the Pacific ocean because Libras have turned you off human beings forever.
2. They Love Love More Than They Love You
Libra boy drops by with a bottle of crazy expensive wine, then watches the whole season of OITNB with you in one sitting. At the bar with your friends, he can’t stop talking about how great you are, how sexy, how witty, asking you to tell that hilarious story again about your sister shaving off her eyebrows. When you’re off-grid for a day, he posts 14 I-miss-you music videos on your wall and sends you every heart and kissy emoji. Enjoy the attention, but don’t convince yourself you’re special because he sent those same 14 videos to his sister last week and his bestie yesterday. (For your own mental health, never interview his exes about their special song/pet names/date spots.)
3. They Charm You Into Doing Everything For Them But Will Never Admit It
Girlfriend doesn’t own a car and doesn’t need to. Somehow you end up offering to pick her up for every date and driving her to school and to the grocery store and throwing her laundry in with yours. To make matters more confusing, you didn’t even notice you were doing all that, because she’s so damn sly.
4. They Prefer Words To Actions
On date one, Boo’s ambition sparked your fire, talking about quitting his server job to go back to school to start his own design company. On date two, Boo’s ambition sparked your fire, talking about going back to school. On date three, Boo was still talking about going back to school. On date four, you started to get the idea Boo really liked talking.
5. Say Goodbye To Getting Anything Done Ever Again
Because this girl’s cush studio is fully stocked with weed, wine, those little French cakes that look like Ho-Hos but taste like France, the nicest sheets you’ve ever slept on and a closet full of sexy outfits you can—and will—watch her put on and take off all day. Whether you mind the lack of productivity is another matter. Girlfriend will make lazy look so elegant, you’ll have to call it lounging.
6. They Want To Do Everything Together
Which is cute when you’re head-over-heels, and less cute when you’re getting dragged to another concert/birthday bar crawl/salsa lesson/work party you could really care less about, and even less cute when your dates include trips to the DMV to renew his license and accompanying him to the dentist. Good news is, if you’re unavailable, he’s almost as happy to take along an acquaintance-brand new best friend he met at brunch during the five minutes you were in the bathroom.
7. When They Finally Decide To Do Something, They Aren’t Even That Excited
After years of talk, Boo enrolls in community college design classes.
Way to go! you say. You’re doing it!
Sure, says Boo, shrugging. Inside his breezy, well-decorated Libran heart, though, he’s less excited about having made a choice than stunned by grief at all those beautiful possibilities—and the joy of talking about them—transformed into a single meh reality.
8. They’re So Nice…Until They’re Over It
Girlfriend has an encyclopedia of strategies for avoiding that unspeakable two-letter word (it starts with ‘n’ and ends with ‘o’). She makes up fake phone numbers for the skeezes who come on to her, she carries a change purse just so she always has something to give the guy panhandling by the freeway, she “forgets” to read the text from that frenemy she’d rather never see again. She politely chews your grandmother’s poison-flavored eggplant stirfry (then spits it into a napkin). She pretends to like your high school friends. She shows up for each rehearsal of your folk-punk band, cheering and clapping when you sing. She encourages you when you’re down. She always wants to see you. Then, without warning, she stops responding to your messages.
9. You’re the last to know you got dumped.
Four months into a Libra relationship, boo gets busy at work and you’re not all texty texty for a week. No sweat. Things are going so well and besides it’s nice to have some personal space. Hey, you doing okay? says your friend. I just heard. She shows you Boo’s newly edited OK Cupid page, her “It’s Complicated” status on FB—oh and those Instagrams of her in a snuggle pile with her ex. When Boo finally returns your copious voice messages, she can’t seem to understand why you’re so upset. It sounds like we had different expectations, she says and you want to shout YES MY EXPECTATION WAS FOR YOU TO NOT DUMP ME. But somehow you know that shouting and other excesses of unpleasantness are unlikely to go over well.
10. They’re Impossible To Stay Mad At
Libra Boy met another bae and kicked your booty to the curb. Normally, you pride yourself on holding decade-long grudges, but LB’s been Snapchatting videos of his cat at you since break-up day, keeps sending you invites to the exact kind of art shows you love, and shooting you little jokes about your professors and damn it, he’s just a really nice guy. How do you stay mad at someone who had such reasonable reasons for everything he did, who only wanted to protect your feelings, who only wants you to meet someone great who will love you for who you are, who probably means it when he says let’s be friends? Answer: it’s impossible. Give up now, because the number one relationship rule about Libras is that they always win.
The truth: 90% of everyone’s friends and exes are Libras. How can you help but want to spend time with and be seen on the arm of these warm, kind, witty style queens? You’re probably already dating one. Don’t even listen to me.
Want to read more bad news for your dating life? Get the dirt on Virgos here.
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