My partner and I are struggling with a decision whether or not to have a second child. We currently have a rambunctious four year old who keeps us challenged on every possible level. Not to mention I am in the beginning of a long journey towards pursuing a doctoral degree. I feel at a crossroads where both my family life and my career life demand so much of me and I want to do both well. I’m scared that having another child will rock my universe too much and I won’t be able to do the work I want to do as an academic or be the kick ass mom I want to be. On the other hand I love motherhood and parenting and always imagined having a larger family, I know this can happen in a lot of ways, but I am feeling a physical pull to be pregnant again. I’m heading to my late 30’s and realize that I don’t have endless time to ponder this decision. I feel the spirit of another person that wants to come through me, but also feel so driven by my work/career path right now and feel “pregnant” with a dissertation. Not sure about what I can handle physically and mentally if I do both of these yet struggling to let either one go. Feeling torn!
–Ambition Capricorn/Domestic Capricorn
I want to tell you a story about cowboys.
You’re somewhere in the lawless west, the kind of town built for goldminers, temporary men, bandits. Sun shines in your eyes, dust coats your nostrils, a saloon door creaks; down the road, far enough all you can see is haze and the speed of approach, a dark horse gallops thisaway, cloaked rider bearing down sidesaddle.
You know this rider, AC/DC. She’s visited you twice* before, though she never comes back for the same reason. She is the queen of our fears, the carrier-away of our dead and power incarnate.
This lady** bandida’s name? Pluto. And the job she’s coming to do? Oh, she’ll get it done—in three years or less.
Yes, that’s right, AC/DC. You’re at the beginning of a major Pluto transit—the biggest yet of your life. (For more about transits, read this.) Transits are a lot like the visitor who comes to town in a cowboy movie. The visitor might be a new sheriff (Saturn), a randy gambler (Jupiter), a preacher (Neptune), or, like Pluto, one tough and inscrutable motherfucker.
Makes sense you’d be feeling a little shifty in your boots. In one holster, you’ve got mommyhood; in the other, a little PhD-to-be. Hell, you’re one ambidextrous Capricorn. With that Cappy Sun in the 4th house, parenting is a career to you. And yet, a Cap needs to test herself against the larger world too. (That’s probably how you ended up in the Wild West. The cowboyly urge to roam.)***
But on a subconscious level, I bet you hear those hooves pounding closer. Early stages of a Pluto transit—before the first hit—can feel fraught with unseen tensions and high stakes. Maybe in the past, choices have been decided by external pressures—time, money, which cowboy’s the fastest draw. Or maybe you avoided your indecision by following duty (a Capricornian ruse) or smiled and agreed to your partner’s desires in order to secretly get your way. On the flip side, during other high noons, you may have put your loved ones’ desires first out of guilt.
Plenty of cowpokes try these strategies. Heck, it’s only human.
Problem is, the bandida Pluto ain’t gonna stand for it. No sir.
The answer to your dilemma is written not inside the stars, but within you, AC/DC, inscribed in your heart, in your gut, underneath probably a whole lot of feelings you’d rather not look it.
When Pluto squares your Moon this December, she’ll be fighting to the death—against whatever inside you is holding you back from being your most authentic, integrity-having self. Pluto always wins, so no matter what happens these next couple of years, you will grow profoundly, becoming a wholer version of yourself—emotionally, intimately and as a mother.
Pluto’s going to ask you to be completely honest with yourself about your motivations, your old childhood habits (especially from your relationship with mom), your needs and any tendencies to either play into or enact subtle power games.
Here’s a funny thing about Pluto, though. She won’t spend any bullets on you unless she has to. So if you feel yourself repressing anything—if there’s a truth you fear to speak aloud or a place guilt is creating denial—LET IT GO. Drop what you’re carrying and watch as Pluto leans down to grab it, then thunders off into the sunset in a blaze of glory (duh). Like this, a three-year transit can seem to pass away in a matter of months. It’s only a question of bravery.
You gotta ask yourself, AC/DC, do you want your healing bad enough?
*Most recently ~2008-2011 when Pluto entered Capricorn, passing over your IC and Mercury
**That’s right, I said “lady”. You wanna make something of it?
***Second Law of the Wild West: A good movie metaphor should include backstory.