5 Simple Reasons Not to Date A Taurus

She catches your eye at the cafe. There’s just something about her, a potentially nuclear radiation of cuteness. You look closer–is that chocolate cake smeared across her chin? Are several thousand squid tentacles squirming from her shoulders? There is no question that she has been exposed to some sort of government experiment, and needs a napkin. And yet, she is proud of her flavor-saver squid bod. Smugly, she sparkles her eyes and you float over, like Pepe le Pew hooked on the perfume of Taurean self-satisfaction.

Astrology is not magic. And that’s a good thing.

The first time I encountered astrology, I was seventeen years old, at a lesbian music festival in the woods of northern Michigan. A few days earlier, I had spontaneously hopped into the backseat of a friend’s car with a sleeping bag and a vague expectation of acoustic guitar-strumming and shirtless leather dykes cracking their whips.... Continue Reading →

2019 is serious. Here’s how to get ready.

2019 has begun and it is no joke. Actually, 2018 was no joke; 2019 is the dead-serious mastermind who wants to abolish jokes forever. In addition to Jupiter continuing its journey through Sagittarius, there are three big planetary themes this year: Uranus in Taurus, the square of Jupiter and Neptune, and Saturn conjunct Pluto in Capricorn. Together, they... Continue Reading →

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